Be Careful What You Wish For Outtakes
by twiXlite
Summary: Series of one-shots depicting missing or alternate scenes from Be Careful What You Wish For.
1. Edward's Last Christmas

_**I know it's two days late, but here is the Christmas One-shot I mentioned. It's surprising and slightly worrying how much you lot love the angst. Originally, this was absolutely full of it, but it got me depressed, so I dialled it down a bit.**_

_**Merry Christmas everyone!**_

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
It may be your last  
Next year we may all be living in the past  
Have yourself a merry little Christmas  
Pop that champagne cork  
Next year we may all be living in New York  
No good times like the olden days  
Happy golden days of yore  
Faithful friends who were dear to us  
Will be near to us no more  
But at least we all will be together  
If the Lord allows  
From now on, we'll have to muddle through somehow  
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now_

'_Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' Original Lyrics – Judy Garland_

_***~* Edward *~***_

Walking out from my bathroom after being awoken by yet another fucking nightmare causing me to relive the most horrific night of my life, I noticed that it was still dark outside my window. Perfect, huh?

Waking up in Forks, in the middle of winter, in the dark. Just great.

I made my way across my bedroom and grabbed the shaded blue throw that my mother had given me a few weeks ago when the temperature really started to drop that was on the edge of my bed, wrapping it around myself as I grabbed a cigarette and my lighter and shoved on my slippers, walking out onto my balcony. I shivered as the cold hit me full force, knowing full well that I should have at least put on my extra thick mahoosive fucker of a jumper, but lit my cigarette and clutched the throw tighter around me as I stood there, wanting the sun to come up, so I could start this shitty day. Unfortunately, I didn't think that it was coming up any time soon. Thinking about it, it didn't really matter if the sun was in the sky or not. The shit still came at me from all sides.

Looking around, I noticed that it must have rained during the night because most of the snow that had been on the ground the previous day had turned to sludge, which would no doubt turn to ice before the sun came up, knowing the cold weather of Forks.

Flicking my depleted cigarette over the balcony ledge I made my way back inside, silently thanking my mother for turning up the heat as I closed the door that led outside. I looked over at the clock that stood on my bedside table, the numbers glaring red at me in the dark of my room. 2:36AM. Great.

Christmas Day.

Perfect.

I flopped down on my bed, face down, burying my face in my pillow. I wanted to avoid this day. This was the one day I didn't want to have to live through. Thanksgiving had been hard enough and the memory of my fathers' hand making contact with my face was not something I relished reliving, but I couldn't help it. Every time I saw him, the sound and feel of the back of his hand striking my cheek resounded in my head, blocking out anything he wanted to say to me. It wouldn't change anything, anyway.

I must have fallen asleep again because the next thing I knew, there was a gentle hand on my shoulder and a soft voice calling my name. I knew that it was my mother because she was the only one who came up here anymore. The only one who bothered.

"Edward, honey?" She called softly and I turned over to look at her, seeing the same sadness in her eyes that I always saw. It seemed to strike me more today, as if it was more concentrated than on any other day. Maybe it was because it was Christmas, as opposed to any other day. That wouldn't have any kind of effect on how my mother viewed me, would it? "Lunch is going to be ready soon." _Lunch_? _What time is it_? As if sensing my internal question, my mom answered for me. "It's nearly half past eleven. You slept pretty hard last night. I came up to wake you earlier, but I didn't get anything, so I just left you. You were so peaceful. That was a couple of hours ago. The Swans and Hales are here, so when you're ready, just come on down."

With that she left, shutting my door closed gently behind her. Great. The Swans _and_ Hales were here. There wasn't really a surprise with that piece of news. They came over every year for Christmas lunch and the opening of presents. None of us had ever thought to ask why we didn't do a rotation thing, so it was never discussed. But there was a major difference this year.

This year, I was spending the day with people who hated me.

I knew that after hiding out up here on Thanksgiving, I didn't have a choice but to go down today. Whether I made it through the day was another question altogether.

Rolling out of bed, I made my way over to my bathroom and had a quick shower, wanting to try to relieve some of the tension that had built up over Esme's words. I let the hot water pound down on my back, feeling my muscles relax as the heat eased their way through the tissue and flesh of my shoulders and back.

Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around myself, and tucked it in, making sure that it wouldn't fall down as I brushed my teeth, rinsing out my mouth with mouthwash before walking out into my bedroom.

I pulled out a pair of boxer-briefs from my drawer and dropping my towel, I slid them on, walking into my closet and pulling out a pair of black dress pants and a black button down. Esme liked us all to dress smartly on Christmas day, and I didn't want to upset her when she was probably already stressed enough as it was.

Slipping on some of my smarter shoes, I made my way downstairs, trying to ignore the feeling of dread building up in my stomach.

"Edward, there you are." I heard my mother before I could focus on her. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs, her apron on and the usual look of stress on her face that she wore before Christmas lunch was served. Normal Christmas day, really.

"You need any help?" I asked, knowing that she would say no, as she always did.

"No, thank you honey. Why don't you go and join the rest of the kids in the living room." She gestured towards the room as though I didn't know where it was and gave my shoulder a little push.

Great. Spend the time waiting with the group of people who wanted nothing more than to rip me to shreds.

The conversation stopped as I walked into the room, just as I knew that it would. It always did. It was as though they didn't want me hearing anything they had to say at all. Way to make a guy feel like a leper.

Rosalie and Emmett sat tangled in one another on one of the sofas, her head resting on his shoulder as he played with her hair. They looked every inch the couple in love.

Rosalie had gotten over her traumatic experience extremely well. Much better than I had mine. But then again, she had a support system I did not. It might have been of my own making, but it still hurt knowing that the pain I had gone through matched Rosalie's and even outweighed it and yet I had no one.

Alice and Jasper were sat in much the same way as Rosalie and Emmett were. Again, they knew that it was forever between the two of them. I didn't think I'd ever find that.

Alice and Jasper were still pissed at me for whatever reason. Maybe it was because I'd lashed out at Jasper when he tried cornering me a week or so ago. He tried to guilt trip me into stopping being an ass, using how I was hurting Alice as ammunition. It didn't work ergo he was now shooting me dirty looks every so often.

Bella was sitting on the end of the couch that held Alice and Jasper, sitting with them, but not as it were. She didn't look uncomfortable sitting in here with two couples, but from what I could gather from the furtive looks she was throwing my way, she was uncomfortable sitting in here with two couples _and_ me.

Sighing gently, I stood up and walked out of the room quickly, but not fast enough to miss Rosalie's comment of 'I thought he'd never leave'.

It was words like that that cut through me, hurting me once more.

I made my way into my music room, where my piano sat. I hadn't played it since before the attack, the broken bones in my right hand not allowing me to do so for six to eight weeks while they reset. I had attempted to play when I had been alone in the house, but the tension that would build up in my hand became unbearable after only a few minutes and I had to stop. There was one time that I had managed to keep playing, but after that, I had given up.

I flicked on the light in here and made my way across the room to my beloved instrument. I sat down at my piano, lifting the lid and gently running my fingers over the keys, wishing that I could bend the notes to my will as I had been able to do only six months ago. But it was not to be. I had no doubt that I wouldn't be playing a piano again in my lifetime.

"Edward?" My mom's voice called from the doorway, and I turned to look at her. She had a small smile on her face as she stepped into the room. "Are you going to play something?"

I looked back at the keys of the instrument before sighing and gently replacing the lid. "No." I said softly and I could feel her disappointment emanating from her from across the room. I'd upset her _again_. It seemed that that was all I could do these days.

I stood up and she smiled at me, her gaze flicking from me to the piano and I knew that she would love to hear me play it again. Of everyone I knew, Esme was the one who encouraged me the most with my playing and she was so proud of me for reaching the level that I had. And now, in her mind I had just given it up. What she didn't know was that I couldn't physically play anymore. It hurt too much.

"Lunch is ready." She said softly, exiting the room, leaving the door open for me to follow.

When I reached the dining room, I saw that everyone other than my mother, father and I had taken their seats. I knew that Carlisle was sitting at the head of the table, across from Charlie Swan, which was the way it was every year. My mother would sit to the left of him so that meant that the seat left open in the middle of the table was for me. And someone up there must have hated me today because it meant that I was sat in between Bella and Rosalie.

I just hoped that I could make it through this lunch in one piece.

Bella offered me a small smile as I sat down and for the first time in a long time, I returned it, wanting to feel not so alone. Rosalie on the other hand glared at me as though it was my choice to sit next to her and as though she was being extremely put out at having my presence in the same room as her.

Lunch was awkward to say the least. I didn't say anything to anyone other than requesting for someone to pass either the vegetables or some other food the entire meal. Not that anyone engaged me in any conversation. I thought that Bella might have looked like she wanted to ask me something but every time she did, Alice quickly drew her attention away from me.

Politely declining any dessert, I excused myself from the table, needing some fresh air and relief from the intense atmosphere at the table. I knew that it was caused by my presence and that it might have been better if I'd feigned illness or just disappeared for the day. Even though I would have received hell from my father, I knew that the day would have been more enjoyable for everyone else.

"Edward?" My dad appeared behind me as I sat on the back porch, trying to clear my head. "Are you okay, son?" He asked, stepping down onto the steps so he was standing in front of me. I nodded, not meeting his eye but I could tell that he didn't believe me. "You've been acting strange all day, what's the matter?"

"Other than being in a room full of people who hate me?" I shot back sarcastically and he sighed, running his hand through his hair as he straightened up.

"They don't hate you, Edward." He replied after a long pause and I couldn't hold in the snort that escaped.

"You don't know how they feel." I shook my head, looking down at my hands. "They've made their feelings towards me pretty clear."

"Maybe they're feeling the same way about you." He sat down next to me, resting his elbows on his knees and interlacing his fingers. "You've not been exactly civil to them either."

"What?" I looked up at him. "They think they can be shitty to me and I'll roll over and accept it. Not a chance. Doesn't work like that." I neglected to mention that it was actually me who started it and because I wasn't sure what he knew of the situation, I kept quiet. It would only start off a round of questioning that I wasn't ready for.

"Edward, watch your language." His attempt at scolding me was only half-hearted as he appeared to search for the words he wanted to use. "Do you know _why_ their behaviour changed?" I shook my head, though I knew exactly why. "Have you tried talking to them?"

"What's the point?" I sighed, looking out over the garden. "They'll say it's my fault and it'll end in an argument, just like everything else does these days. Face it, dad. My friendship with those guys is over."

I stood up and made my way inside, not knowing if my father was following me.

"Ah, Edward. Carlisle." My mother beamed at the two of us as my dad walked up behind me. "We're doing presents."

I followed her into the living room, sitting alone chair away from everyone else. This seemed to be my permanent place nowadays.

"Alright!" Alice squealed, sliding off of Jasper's lap and onto the floor, obviously designating herself the hander out of presents. She waited for everyone to sit down before bouncing up and down on her knees and reaching for a present. "This one's for . . . Esme! From Emmett." She handed her the present before reaching for another, settling it in her lap and waiting for Esme to open hers.

Esme laughed as she opened the present dropping the wrapping on the floor and holding it up. It was a bright pink full sized apron with the words '_World's bestest Mom' _on the front in bold letters. I could tell that she loved it, even if it was ridiculous.

The handing out of presents continued in much the same way. Alice would hand someone their present, take another from under the tree and wait until the former present had been opened. That was the way it had always been in the Cullen home at Christmas.

As each gift was called out I couldn't help but feel my heart sink a little. I know it's going to sound petty and ridiculous but none of them were for me. Nobody had gotten me anything.

Not being able to sit around and watch everyone else fawning over their gifts, I quietly slid out of the room, making my way upstairs. I turned around about halfway up and as predicted, nobody noticed my departure.

Merry Christmas indeed.

_**Bella**_

To say that Christmas lunch hadn't been awkward would be a lie. What with having Rosalie and Edward sat next to each other. Whoever had done the placing was trying out a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, nothing happened between them.

Edward had been quiet all day, probably not wanting to cause a scene between everybody, but I didn't like it.

Christmas had always brought out the best in Edward. He was like a little kid from the moment he woke up to the moment Carlisle probably had to give him a shot to calm down in the evening after everyone had gone home. Actually, he probably collapsed each year, due to the amount of energy expelled over the course of the day. If you think Alice was bouncy, she had nothing on Edward on Christmas Day.

So this quiet, reserved Edward unnerved me. Sure, he didn't want to cause a scene on Christmas, but some semblance of the old Edward _must_ be in there somewhere. He had to be.

But he hadn't made himself shown as of yet. And we were nearly done with the day.

"Bells!" Charlie called drawing my attention from Alice who was unwrapping a brand new fake fur coat form her mom and dad. It was one she'd been after for about a month now, but thought she'd never get. "You forgot this on your bed before we left." He handed me a present and I instantly knew it was one of mine. I looked at the nametag and saw that it was for Edward, hoping to start off possible 'peace talks' that I hoped would occur either sometimes today or at least in the New Year. You know what they say. New Year: new start. Something like that anyway.

I looked over to where he was sitting and stopped, finding the chair empty. "Where'd he go?"

"Who?" Alice asked, wrapping the coat around her without actually sliding her arms through.

"Edward." I looked around for him, peering into the kitchen to see if he'd just gotten up to get a drink or something, but couldn't see him.

"It looks as though he's taken his presents and gone." Rosalie rolled her eyes at what she now deemed 'typical Edward behaviour'. I didn't think it was typical of him at all. "Leaving us to clear up the paper he's left."

I looked down by where he had been sitting and saw that there was no presents, no mess. No sign that anyone had been sitting there at all.

"There's no mess there, Rose." I told her and she shrugged, admiring the new professional manicure set that she had gotten from Jasper. "Wonder where he is."

"Why?" Jasper scoffed, staring down at me. "He's been a downer all day. You would have thought that Christmas would bring out the good side in him. You know, celebrations, and all that."

"Not if you don't have something to celebrate." I muttered, underneath my breath so that no one could hear me.

"Right." Carlisle stood up, taking Esme's hand and gently pulling her up as the other parents did. "That looks about it for presents, so if you kids will excuse us, we parents are going to head to the den." He smiled down at all of us and we nodded, used to this tradition. After presents were done, the parents always disappeared into the den and all we could hear was laughing and jokes happening.

I stood up, present for Edward in hand and made my way towards the stairs, ignoring the 'what are you doing?' and 'where are you going?' calls from everyone else. If no one else was, I was going to extend the olive branch to Edward. He might have been a dick to us, but we had been the same to him. Worse even, because there was no one on his side.

I knocked on the door, receiving a quiet, muffled 'come in'. I opened the door and looked around quickly to see Edward curled up on his couch, wearing an oversized sweater I knew to belong to Emmett. At least it did at one time. He hadn't complained about it missing, so I knew I wouldn't bring it up.

"How come you're hiding up here?" I asked quietly, closing the door with a soft click and making my way over to him. I sat down on the edge of his couch and looked at him. I mean, really looked at him, in a way I hadn't in over six months.

He was still beautiful. As he always would be. But he looked different. His skin was paler than it had been before. He had been pale all of his life, but he'd always seemed to give off some kind of glow, his skin sometimes taking on an almost glistening characteristic in the light. Not now. It had been dulled, none of it retaining its former beauty. His eyes were slightly red and there were dark circles under his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping properly, if at all and I couldn't help but worry if he were okay. Even if he didn't think so, I still classed him as my best friend. He knew me better than anyone else in the world did and even if we didn't speak for ten years, he would still be my best friend.

"Here." I held out my present and he turned his head to look at it slowly. "I got you something."

His hand reached out slowly to take it, something glistening in his eyes. Maybe my proverbial olive branch was working.

"Thank you." He whispered as he looked down at it, slowly unwrapping it. The breath that left him as he saw what it was shaky as though he wasn't expecting me to remember him telling me about it. But then again, in light of recent events, I guess he would think that. "Thank you, Bella."

"So," I looked around his room, trying to discern anything new from what I knew was in here. "What else did you get?"

He shook his head, looking out the window as he had been when I walked in. "I didn't."

"What you mean, you didn't?" Huh?

"I didn't get anything else." He whispered slowly, and I noticed his expression change slightly.

That's why he disappeared before we'd finished handing out gifts. It had hurt watching everyone else opening presents when no one had gotten him anything.

He thought he'd been forgotten.

"Edward, I'm sorry." I whispered and he shook his head.

"It's my own fault." He whispered, looking down at the gift I'd gotten him. "I haven't been exactly pleasant to be around, so why should I expect anything?"

"Well . . . we haven't been exactly welcoming so . . . we didn't deserve gifts from you either. Which works out well, don't you think?" I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant about not receiving anything from Edward.

I'll tell you one thing: Edward Cullen is a genius when it comes to presents.

He always knows what to get someone. Even the hardest person in the world to buy for will receive the perfect present from Edward. I know this because that person is me.

"Why do say that?" He looked at me confused.

"We – well, they – didn't get you anything, you didn't get us anything." I gestured randomly towards him and the door while I spoke, trying to take the stupidity out of my words.

He let out a single shaky chuckle. "I'm guessing you didn't find the silver presents under the tree, then?"

"Silver presents?" We'd finished the presents that were under the tree. It was Alice handing them out, so what would you expect. That girls' like a bloodhound when it comes to presents.

"There are some presents in a dull silver wrapping paper under the tree." He looked at me, sadly. "They're from me."

He'd gotten us something each and we hadn't thought to get him anything. No wonder he was feeling so alone at the moment.

"Merry Christmas, Edward." I said softly as I stood up and walked out of his bedroom, hearing a quiet 'Merry Christmas, Bella.' as I walked out of the room.

Making my way downstairs, I walked slowly into the living room where the others were still sat, each of them admiring their different gifts.

"So, what happened to him?" Alice asked, a look of concern flashing across her face. Though he might have upset her greatly, he was still her twin, so she worried about him incessantly.

Instead of answering her, I made my way around the four of them, knowing they were all watching me, and knelt down behind the tree where I found, nestled comfortable in between the bristly branches of the evergreen plant, was a pile of presents wrapped in dull silver wrapping paper.

I pulled them out and showed them to the others. They all looked confused at how Alice had missed them. Hell, even _Alice_ looked confused at how she had missed them. It wasn't like they were all small or something.

Jasper got up off of the couch and headed towards the den, knocking on the door quietly. It was answered quickly and I heard him briefly explain that we'd found some more presents under the tree.

We waited for about a minute before the parents arrived looking confused at how the presents had been missed. Not like it had ever happened before. Alice usually combed the entire tree for presents, not allowing one to escape her.

"This one is for Alice." I handed the small envelope to her and she took it as though it might explode as soon as she slid her finger underneath the lip.

"Oh my God!" She breathed as she took out what was inside. It looked like passes of some kind.

"Six weekend passes to the Ummelina Day Spa." She breathed, looking around at us. Those must have cost him a fortune. "This is unbelievable."

"Okay," I managed to squeak out. "This one's for Jasper." I handed him the biggest one of the pile, wanting to get it out of the way because it _was_ as large as it was.

He opened the wrapping, to reveal a large rectangular box. He threw the wrapping behind him and looked around the box, trying to figure out how to get into it.

"Jazz, there are clasps on this side." I pointed to the side opposite him and he turned it around. I heard the sharp clicks as the unfastened the clasps and the intake of breath as he saw what was inside. "What is it?"

"It's a Yamaha FG720S acoustic guitar." He breathed as though we should all know what that means. "He remembered how much I wanted this guitar. He was the only one who knew I wanted it." I could see that he was gently brushing his fingers over it, not daring to touch it, even from behind the lid of the case.

"Emmett?" I handed Emmett his gift from Edward and he took it, a look of wonder on his face.

"What the-?" He tilted his head as he opened his present, pulling out a hoodie, which he turned around. "I haven't even got in."

It was a _Berkeley_ hoodie. Emmett had applied to Berkeley, but wasn't holding out much hope of getting in. It was his first choice college, so he really wanted this. He hadn't heard back yet, but as I said, he wasn't holding out much hope.

"Maybe, that's Edward's way of telling you he believes you can do it." Carlisle offered and Emmett looked back at the hoodie and smiled, nodding.

"Esme?" I handed Esme a small white envelope, similar to Alice's and she flicked it open, pulling whatever was inside out, quickly.

"Oh, my!" She clutched whatever it was to her chest, sighing gently. "Tickets to the opera in Seattle next month."

Esme had said once, about two months ago that she would love to see Madame Butterfly live rather than in a televised show. You could tell that she had said it in passing as she'd read about the performance coming to Seattle in late January. We knew it shouldn't have been taken as a hint. None of us even knew that Edward was even in the room, or within hearing distance at the time, but he must have been to know Esme wanted to go.

All of the other presents from Edward were as special and individual to each person as the previous ones had been.

He had gotten Rose and enormous book about pinstriping – apparently that was the word they used for the individual designs on hotrod cars. He knew that she loved that kind of thing and she had grinned like she hadn't before when she opened the book. I knew that that was her favourite present of the day because it was something she really enjoyed. Carlisle had received a replica of the St. Christopher's medal his father used to own. It had gotten lost when his father passed away a few years previous and Carlisle hadn't seen the medal since. I knew that that gift would have a special place in Carlisle's heart as he slid it around his neck, letting it hang there with pride. He had gotten each of the parents a weekend getaway for whenever they could manage – his parents included.

"What did he get you, Bella?" Alice asked, and I looked down at the last small present in the pile, picking it up and unwrapping it slowly.

It was a CD.

But it looked like a blank CD. I opened up the case to find the words '_Bella's Lullaby' _written in Edward's impeccable script. Could this be what I think it was?

I stood up and made my way over to the sound system, ejecting the annoying Christmas CD that had been on a loop all day, slotting it back in its case before inserting the disk Edward had given me. I pressed play and waited for a moment.

After a moment, the sweetest melody floated through the room. It was sad and yet there were twinges of joy in there at the same time. It tugged on my heart in ways that nothing had been able to before.

I turned to look at the rest of those gathered in the living room and saw that they had all been stunned into silence as the melody continued, gathering a slightly speed and intensity before trailing to a gentle, sweet, encapturing end.

"That was beautiful." Esme sighed and the others nodded slowly. "Where is he?" Esme asked, noticing that her youngest son wasn't in the room with them.

"He's in his bedroom," I sighed, taking the CD out of the sound system and placing it back into the case. It was most definitely my favourite present of the year. Of all the years, actually. The heart, time and effort that must have gone into it was incredible. "He left while everyone else was opening their presents."

"Why?" Renee looked confused as to why he would leave then.

"Because it hurt to watch everyone else opening gifts while he was sat on the other side of the room, probably feeling alienated and alone while not having anything to open himself." I explained, wanting to be right and wanting to be wrong at the same time.

"What are you talking about?" Rosalie looked as though she resented what I had said.

"Nobody got him anything." I said quietly. "I don't think that it was the physical presents that he wanted, really. I think it was just the thought of someone thinking about him at some point in the last couple of months. And the fact that he'd gone out and bought us all presents, and ones that he knew would mean a lot to us, it must have hurt realising that no one had thought of him in that way."

The others looked down at the presents in their hands from Edward. Emmett slowly ran his finger over the lettering on the hoodie and Rose ran hers over the cover of the book he had given her. Nobody else had embraced her love of cars today, other than Edward and I knew that it meant a lot to her that he had.

I turned around slowly and made my way upstairs, knocking on Edward's door quietly. There was no answer this time, so I carefully gripped the door handle and opened the door, peering inside. I hoped that he wouldn't be mad at me for walking in without his say so, but I didn't think I could wait out in the hallway for him. The CD he had given me touched my heart and I wanted to tell him that personally. Like I said, he was incredible when it came to gifts.

I looked around, seeing that he wasn't anywhere in his room, as I fought back a shiver. It had dropped several degrees since I had come up a little while ago and I saw that the large glass doors he had were wide open. I made my way over to them, thinking that gone out for a cigarette on his balcony. I hated that he was a smoker now, something he had always professed he would never become, but I put up with it, because I knew that I could never get him to stop. He would do what he wanted to do.

But upon walking to the balcony, I saw that he wasn't there. What on earth? Closing the doors, not wanting him to come back to an arctic bedroom, wherever he was, I checked the en suite and in his closet – though why he would be in there I had no idea – before going back downstairs, extremely confused.

"What did he say?" Alice asked, looking at me with a tearful expression on her face. She knew her brother was hurting, but she didn't know what to do about it. In her eyes there was nothing she could do.

"He didn't." I shook my head, looking out of the large windows the Cullens had on the front of their home, trying to make sense of things.

"What do you mean?" Esme had stood up at this point, turning to face me completely while the others just looked on. "What do you mean 'he didn't'?"

"He didn't say anything because he wasn't up there." I shrugged, shaking my head slightly.

"He hasn't come down." Emmett stood up, placing the hoodie on the seat behind him. "Where the hell has he gone?"

"Emmett, language." Esme scolded him, or at least tried to. It didn't really come out as it was meant to.

"Sorry." He sighed, looking back at me. "Where's he gone?"

"I don't know." I shook my head, looking out of the window again, hoping he wasn't out there.

Where had he gone?

_**Edward**_

After Bella went back downstairs, I knew that if I stayed in the house, I was going to go stir crazy. I changed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, sweater, jacket, gloves and my doc martins, and made my way down the lattice that came down from my window. I didn't care if anyone saw me out here, but I didn't want to have to deal with the questions that would no doubt come my way if I went down the stairs. I needed some time on my own.

Hunching my shoulders against the cold and really wishing that I'd worn a scarf as well, I walked into the woods. Walking in the woods had always helped me to calm myself down and clear my head. Ever since we moved here, but I found myself spending more and more time surrounded by the thick greenness of the trees over the last six months or so.

It was the only place I could be without someone judging me or spending hateful words my way.

I don't know why it tore me up so much that I hadn't received any gifts, because the gifts weren't the most important part of Christmas for me. It was the entirety of the holiday and the closeness families and friends feel on this particular day. For some reason, it had the ability to draw those who hated each other into a temporary truce, creating bonds that weren't there before or reinforcing friendships and loves. Of course, there were fights and such over the holidays, people that aren't sued to each other being in such close proximity for such a long period of time, there were bound to be upsets, but to me, none of that mattered.

I didn't really care about the physical presents. I guess it was the idea that someone had taken the time out of their day to think about you, think about what you'd like, what you would want on this day. Taking those few minutes to try to decipher how you thought and to try and place it into a physical object.

I guess it hurt that no one had thought of me in that way.

I guess I really wasn't worth anything anymore. I had lost my worth when those men had taken everything from me, had ripped away what innocence I had left in one of the most extreme acts of violence one can commit.

_No_. A small voice in the back of my head whispered softly. Not everyone had forgotten me.

Bella.

She had remembered me and she had gotten me something that she knew I would treasure always. I knew it was her reaching out to me, offering the olive branch of peace and new beginnings, sending out the message that she in herself was sorry and that she had forgiven me for all the wrongdoings I had committed towards her.

But could I accept that branch? Could I take it and try to mend the ruined friendships between my former friends and myself?

The more I thought about it, the more I knew I couldn't. They would want me to tell them things that I couldn't divulge. Not that they would believe me if I ever could tell them, but that's the way things were.

I sat down on an old, fallen log, feeling the roughness of the wood beneath the material of my jeans. I closed my eyes, leaning back as far as I could without falling off the log, sifting through the memories my mind was bringing to me.

I don't know how long I sat on the log, my mind leaving me reeling, sniffing and sobbing like a little girl as it dredged up old memories of my friends and I then comparing it to the behaviours we'd all been displaying over the last couple of months.

Opening my eyes I saw that the ground surrounding me had been covered in a light dusting of white, indicating that I had been out here for a while and I should be getting back home. But the snow looked so delicate and so pure that I didn't want to disturb it, trudging my feet through it, destroying the blankets of white that filled each clearing with my footprints. It only proved what kind of person I was.

Looking up into the canopy of the trees above me, I could see that the snow was still falling all around me and would be covering every surface around with its beauty. I was marring it by sitting here. Nothing would ever be pure under my touch.

I closed my eyes again and lowered my head into my hands, realising something that I had known ever since that night in Port Angeles. Rubbing my eyes as the snow fell gently around me, I knew something that would change me forever:

I was completely alone.

**_10 Years Later_**

Staring out of my window at the busy Chicago street, I couldn't help my mind wandering back to that day in Forks. Where were the others now? Were they spending their Chirstmas day with their families, or all at my parents house as had been the tradition?

What was Bella doing?

Thinking of anyone from back there on this day, especially her, tore at my heart, the pain wanting to rip its way free and ruin everything I had worked for, sending me into a stupor, unable to breath or move. Even on the best of days, things were hard to handle, but during the holidays, seeing others around you, even just people in the street with their families, it pierced a new hole in my heart more painful than any needle that had passed through or punctured my skin.

I just hoped I wouldn't feel this way forever.

But me being the masochistic son of a bitch that I am couldn't help but let my mind wander back to Bella.

Did she ever think of me, even on this day? She - and later on, my parents - had been the only ones to give me anything on that last Christmas I spent in Forks. Somehow, I knew it would be my last one there. Don't ask me how, I just knew.

Without really realising it, I pulled out the charm that Bella had given me that day. It was a simple sideways eight, symbolising infinity. I remembered seeing it in a jewellry store I had been walking past in Port Angeles a couple of weeks before I was attacked. Well, I hadn't been back to Port Angeles since that day, but still. I remembered telling Bella about it. The fact that there were two, one obviously male, what with the thick chain and thickness of the charm, and one female, delicate and precise, obviously meant that they were for a couple. I remembered telling Bella how I wished that someday I would have someone to share that with.

She had remembered and gone back to the shop I had mentioned and bought them, giving the male one to me. But who had the female one?

Some part of me want to believe that Bella had it on her person, wearing something we shared all the time as I did. But lately, it was too much to hope. I didn't even know if I would ever see her again. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

Yes, I had made a life for myself in Chicago, over a thousand miles away from everyone I knew and loved, and had made friends, close friends here, nobody knew anything other than what I allowed them to see, the ink and steel I had on my body pushing outsiders away.

Nobody really knew me. Not like they had in Forks and even though I was surrounded by people who cared about me more than they would ever admit, because they would be seen as pussies if they did, I was still painfully aware of one thing:

I was completely alone.

_**I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and has a wonderful New Year. Go easy on the drinks, those of you who can.**_


	2. Truth Chapter 10 Flashback Alternate

_**Disclaimer: Belongs to S. Meyer. Not me. I just like traumatising the characters and making stories out of the results.**_

**_This is a one shot of what would have happened if Rosalie had figured out the hidden meaning to Edward's words in the flashback in Chapter 10._**

**_Enjoy!_**

_**Rosalie**_

I couldn't sleep.

Feeling the way I was, thinking the way I was, I didn't think I'd ever be able to sleep again.

Every time I closed my eyes, even to blink, I could see him there, standing over me, that sickening grin on his face and that nauseating look in his eye. Who knew what he was on? But there was one thing I did know: what he was going to do to me.

If James Walker hadn't been walking down the same street at that time, he would have done it as well. Even though he said that he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he hadn't done anything and didn't want anything in return, I knew I owed James everything now. I could even forgive him for grabbing my ass a few months ago. He had saved me. And to me, that was all that mattered.

Looking around the room, I couldn't help the small sob that escaped me. This was the room I was 'supposed' to stay in when I stayed over the Cullens. I was sure that Esme and Carlisle knew this wasn't the case, but they hadn't said anything to Emmett, myself or my parents (which I was _very_ thankful for) so I knew that they weren't too bothered about my staying in Emmett's room.

I couldn't stay with him last night though. I wanted to, I _truly_ did, but I couldn't. I didn't want anyone near me. The look in his eye when I pushed him away as he tried to comfort me told me that I was hurting him with my actions, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want anyone (especially anyone male) near me at the moment.

I wasn't sure where the others were. I had asked to be alone for the moment. I couldn't hear them in the house at all, so I surmised that they had gone out.

I jumped slightly when someone knocked lightly on the door and I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts lined up.

"Come in." I called, but I knew it wasn't nearly loud enough. The door opened slowly, revealing the last person I expected and to be honest, not really someone I wanted to see at the moment. I couldn't deal with his attitude at the moment. "What do _you_ want?" My tone was harsh, but I really couldn't care.

Edward was still as he took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment as if he was warring with himself over what to say. As if he'd had any trouble before now. "I just came to see if you were all right."

I couldn't help the laugh that escaped me, knowing it sounded condescending and patronising to my own ears and most likely his. "Right." My tone was dripping with sarcasm as he stood there, watching me closely as though waiting for anything out of the ordinary. _Excuse me, dickwad. If you paid attention to anyone other than your own sorry ass, you might know that _nothing_ is ordinary anymore._ "Since when do you care, Edward? Oh right, you don't. You used to. But the Edward that came back from Port Angeles in the summer isn't the one that we all used to know. All used to love. He's gone and I _hate_ his replacement."

I didn't miss the hurt in his expression as he stood there and took my barrage of insults. Whatever. He'd been an asshole to all of us and what did he expect? That we'd all just roll over at take his attitude? Not fucking likely. He wasn't looking at me anymore, instead, staring at the carpet as though it held the answers to all of life's problems. I couldn't bring myself to worry about his feelings at the moment. From what I'd seen, he'd disregarded ours lately, so why should we be civil to him? Call me childish, but that's the way I rolled.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened to you, Rose." His tone was soft, gentle and genuine. It was clear that he knew what had almost happened to me last night. How, I wasn't sure because he had spent all of last night and today holed up in his room, but still . . . he knew. "And that, better than anyone . . . I understand."

_What the fuck?_

Before I could say anything about that last comment, he was gone, closing the door softly behind him as he exited the room.

He understood?

How the fuck could he understand?

I shook my head and leaned back on the bed, closing my eyes and trying to will away the images that swirled in my mind, wanting, no _needing_, to get some sleep.

_Walking down the street, I knew that something wasn't right. I kept feeling eyes watching me, but turning around to look, there was no one there. I quickened my pace before I heard something happening just around the corner._

_I took a few steps forward before concealing myself in the shadow of a building upon hearing several men laughing and jeering, seeming jovial about 'giving it to him good'. I sucked in a deep breath, keeping quiet as they passed me, realising that they must have beaten someone up if they were talking like that._

_Once I knew that they were gone, I rushed in the direction they had come from, stopping short when I saw what they had been congratulating each other on._

_There was a man . . . no a _boy_ lying in the middle of the alleyway they had come from. He couldn't have been any older than me. He was laying there, half naked, broken and bleeding, shallow, ragged breaths escaping him, a small sob mixed in every few seconds._

_I could see from where I was, in the dimmed light that there was a lot of blood. Enough to make me feel slightly woozy and normally I was quite good when dealing with blood. It was Bella that was the wuss._

_I made my way over to him, taking out my phone and kneeling down, dialling 911 as I reached out to touch him. There was something familiar about him, but I couldn't place it._

"_Hold on." I said softly, placing a hand gently on his arm. He flinched away from my touch, but I kept my hand on his arm, hopefully portraying the message that I would be getting him to safety soon enough. "I'm calling an ambulance. You're safe now. You'll be okay soon." I kept my voice as low and soft as possible, trying not to scare him even more than he already was._

_I shuffled around, hoping to get a look at his face, dropping my phone when I saw who it was and his injuries that were oh so familiar._

_His right arm was outstretched, his hand bloodied and mangled, obviously broken. His face was covered in blood, pouring from his nose, which was bent at an odd angle, signalling a break there as well._

_But through all of the blood I instantly knew who it was._

_Edward._

My eyes flew open and I registered a pair of arms around me. I tried to push them away, but they clung on tighter than before.

"Ssh, Rose, calm down. It was just a dream." I looked up to see Bella sitting there, her eyes wide with fear and glistening with tears. "It was just a dream, Rose."

I pushed away from her, climbing out of the bed, stopping when I saw the others there too. Emmett was looking at me, his eyes wide with fear, his posture stating that he wanted to hold me but his knowledge telling him he shouldn't.

"I need . . . I need to go and talk to Edward." I said softly and all of their expressions turned to confusion. "Please move." I looked at Emmett and Jasper, who stood there, their expressions a mixture of confusion and defiance.

"What do you want to talk to _him_ for?" Emmett's tone was disbelieving as I raised my eyes to look at him.

"I can't explain right now, Em. Please." I looked at him, my giant teddy bear, who was clearly wondering what comfort seeing Edward could do for me and not knowing how to respond. "There's something I need to find out."

"We'll come with-"

"No." I shook my head, knowing that Alice was going to say they'd come with me, but I knew that if they did, I would never be able to find out if my assumption was true. I hoped to God that it wasn't, but there was only one way I would ever be sure. "This is something I need to do on my own. Please stay here."

I moved around Jasper and Emmett, hating that I couldn't be near either of them at the moment. I was scared of my own _brother_ at the moment, and that thought made me sick. I should never be scared of Jasper.

I closed the door behind me, hopefully signalling to them that I needed to this alone before climbing the stairs that lead to Edward's room on the third floor.

Stopping outside his room, I took a deep breath and knocked quietly. I didn't hear any kind of movement from inside so I knocked again.

"Edward?" I called softly, hoping he would open the door. "It's Rose."

After a moment, I heard movement and the lock clicked, signalling that he'd opened the door. I grasped the door handle, opening it slowly to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands, his fingers clenched in his hair.

He looked broken as he sat there.

I closed the door quietly and walked over to him, sitting next to him.

"When you said that you . . . understood . . ." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, feeling a tear run down my cheek. "You had someone try to do it to you too, didn't you?"

"No." He whispered, and my eyes snapped open. _No! What the fuck? Then what the hell was the 'I understand' bullshit about? _"They didn't _try._"

What the- "Oh my God." My hand flew to my mouth as I looked at him, knowing that what I had seen in my dream was in fact reality. "Oh, Edward." I felt more tears spill down my cheeks as his own started to fall. "You mean . . . Oh, God." I let my head drop into my hands as his words registered in my mind.

Edward had been raped.

I looked over at him and saw tears streaming down his face. His hands were still in his hair, his elbows resting on his knees as sobs wracked through his body. I shuffled closer to him, tentatively reaching out and wrapping my arms around him, thankful that there wasn't anything from last night flashing through my mind. Freaking out on Edward wouldn't be the right thing. It seemed that my mind was pushing all thoughts of my own ordeal aside, knowing that Edward needed me and my comfort right now.

He stiffened momentarily, clearly not expecting my reaction before relaxing into my embrace. His arms made their way around my waist as his forehead rested on my shoulder.

I could feel my heart breaking as I held him. He seemed so fragile and lost and I wondered how long he'd kept this locked up inside him. He hadn't let anyone know what had happened to him. Of that I was sure.

"When did-?" I started to ask before realisation hit me. His change in personality and his injuries all pointed to one specific time. "Port Angeles." He nodded into my shoulder and I clung onto him tighter than before. He squeezed back not hurting me, but enough to let me see that all he'd really wanted was some form of comfort. Something he hadn't had. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" I whispered and he pulled away from me, sniffing lightly. "Edward? Why didn't you say anything?"

He took a few deep breaths, probably trying to calm himself down before looking at the floor and clenching his eyes closed. "I was scared." He whispered, his eyes meeting mine briefly. The fear in them was devastating and I could only wonder how debilitating that must have been for him.

All of a sudden, as though someone had flipped a switch in my mind, all of his behaviours over the last few months made sense now.

Pushing us away.

He wouldn't stay in the same room with Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper for any lengths of time.

He wouldn't let any of them touch him _at all._

The lashing out.

The walling himself off from all of us.

The distance he kept from people at school, students and teachers alike.

It all made sense now.

He was afraid of us.

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder again, pulling him to me before resting my head on his lightly.

"You have to tell them." I whispered softly into his hair – which really was as soft as it looked – and he stiffened immediately, pulling back from me, shaking his head quickly. "You have to."

"No." He stood up, running his hands through his hair, pacing across his bedroom. "No, I can't."

"It's the only way you're going to get past this." I stood up, stopping him in his tracks and grabbing his hands gently, tugging on them to get him to look at me. "It's the only way things will get better."

"I can't, Rose." His voice was thick with tears and fear as he shook his head slowly, looking away from me again. "I can't."

"Yes, you can." I whispered, not breaking eye contact as his eyes flickered towards mine again. I could now see why Bella was so enamoured with him. Even standing there, broken and torn, looking as though he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, his face tear-streaked, his eyes worn and weary and his hair a completely fucked up mess, he was beautiful. "I'll be there with you. But you have to tell them. They have to know."

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as fresh tears ran down his cheeks. He nodded slowly, opening his eyes and focusing on something on the wall behind me. "Okay." His whisper was barely audible but it was there.

I took his hand in mine and stepped away from him, tugging slightly on his hand and nodding towards the door. He sighed gently, knowing that I wouldn't let him not go through with it now.

I led him over to the door and down the stairs.

I saw that the others were in the sitting room and the astonished looks on their faces didn't escape me. I knew it was because Edward and I hadn't clawed each other to pieces, the fact that we were coming down the stairs together, hand in hand and our tear-streaked faces that were causing their expressions. I knew that it was a little out of the ordinary. All right, _a lot_ out of the ordinary, but I was sure they'd understand soon enough.

We sat down on the sofa and Edward immediately dropped his head into his hands, running his fingers through his hair again.

"It'll be okay." I whispered, resting my head on his shoulder as his breaths came in long, deep puffs through his nose.

"Rosalie?" I heard Esme's worried voice and looked up, seeing she and Carlisle standing there gazing between Edward and myself with worried expressions on their faces. "What's going on, sweetheart?" She moved around and sat on the coffee table in front of Edward and I, her eyes flickering between the two of us, probably wondering what on earth was going on.

"I can't." He whispered softly, shaking his head without looking at anyone. "I can't do it."

"Yes, you can." I whispered into his ear, doing something I never thought I would ever do, placing a kiss into his hair, sighing gently. "You can do this."

"I can't do it, Rose. It's too hard." He looked up at me, his eyes wide and fearful as I nodded slowly. He let out a deep breath, his eyes closing slowly.

"What's going on?" Alice's fearful voice broke through the concentration I had on Edward. "What's the matter?"

"I think I'd like to know the answer to that myself." Carlisle made his way across the room to where Esme was sitting in front of Edward, his eyes as wide and worried as his wife's.

I looked at the others, nodding minutely, indicating that we should give the three of them a moment and they got up without a word. They knew that it had to be something serious for this kind of reaction and my newfound camaraderie with Edward, which I'm sure, was still confusing the hell out of all of them.

"What's going on, Rose?" Bella was next to me, her gaze flicking from me to where we had left Edward in the sitting room with his parents.

"Wait." I whispered and they all fell silent, their gazes on me not relenting for a moment. I didn't look at any of them, my gaze fixated on the doorway that led to the sitting room.

I bit down on my lip, clenching my eyes closed as I heard the cry of despair that came from Esme and I knew Edward had told them what had happened to him. I knew it hurt him to tell them, but I hoped it would help him in the long run. He needed to let it out.

"Rose." Alice's choked sob caused me to open my eyes and see that she had tears streaming down her face. "Rose, what's going on?" I shook my head and she sobbed again, leaning into Jasper.

"Rose, if something's happening with you and Edward, don't you think we have a right to know?" Emmett looked pained as he spoke to me, probably imagining something like Edward and me fucking behind his back.

"Em, nothing's going on between me and Edward." I sighed, shaking my head. It didn't seem to appease him at all as he stared at me.

"Well then, what?" He asked again, clearly stressing out.

"It's not for me to tell." I said softly and he let out some kind of strangled scream thing, before running his hands through his hair and making his way into the sitting room. I followed after him quickly, knowing the others were close behind me.

"Edward, what the hell is going on?" He stood there, towering over Edward as Esme clutched onto him, tears streaming down her face, her left hand on his back and the fingers of her right running through his hair gently.

"Emmett!" He turned to look at me, a lost expression on his face as I shook my head. He ran his hands through his hair and I looked down at Edward who was watching me with tear filled eyes, silently begging me not to make him repeat what he'd had to tell his parents. I could see from the way he was he knew that he had to do it. It was something he had to do. But even so, it couldn't have made it any easier for him.

I sat down next to him, resting my forehead on his shoulder gently. "Do you want me to do it?" I asked softly, hoping he'd catch my meaning.

"Please." His whisper was so quiet I almost didn't catch it.

"Okay." I rested my head on his shoulder gently, letting out a small breath as I addressed the others in the room. "You all want to know what's going on?"

"You think?" Jasper shot back and I glared at him, shutting him up pretty quickly.

"Well, of course everybody knows what happened to me last night." I knew this wasn't what they were expecting but I couldn't say it. I couldn't physically say it, especially not in front of Edward. It hurt too much to think of him going through it. "Edward wasn't so lucky." I whispered as the room fell silent, save for the small sobs coming from Edward and Esme.

"No!" Emmett growled and I looked up at him to see him glaring at Edward as though he had insulted him in some way. "No." He shook his head again, running his hands through his hair as he started to pace slowly back and forth in front of where the three of us were sitting. "How can you say something like that?"

"What are you talking about?" I looked up at Emmett who was still glaring at Edward.

"How can you say something like that, huh, Edward?" He didn't take any notice of me. He was pissed for some reason and I was just confused. What the hell was going on? "What? You heard about what happened to Rose and thought that it would be a good way to get back in our good books? Huh? Blame something like that? It doesn't work that way, Edward. Might have believed you if you'd come out with something like this before you started behaving like a dick, but copying what happened to Rose? That's a new low."

Every syllable that came out of Emmett's mouth caused Edward to further tense and withdraw into himself. I wasn't sure what he had been expecting from the others. Understanding? He was most likely expecting pity to be their reaction and I could lie and say I didn't think the same thing.

But anger?

Denial of his words?

I don't think he expected that.

"Emmett!" I hissed, standing up and glaring at him, moving up close to him, so that I wasn't touching him, but close enough to get my point across. "What the hell is going on with you? How can you stand there and say that? Look at him! Can you stand there and look at him and honestly say you believe he's lying?" All my words were hushed, but I knew everyone could hear them. Everybody else was silent. Well, as silent as they could be.

Alice was clutching onto my brother, sobbing into his chest as he rested his cheek on the top of her head. He had tears running down his face and his expression told me he was in another time and place. Bella had collapsed on the floor and was sobbing into her hands. Carlisle had moved around to where she was, pulling her close to him, allowing her to use him as support.

Edward and Esme sat on the sofa, Esme's arms clutching Edward tightly to her chest as she sobbed. It was clear she was trying to control her reaction, to keep Edward calm or something, but it wasn't working. He had his head on her shoulder, tears streaming down his face as he held her close to him. I knew in that moment, that was what he'd wanted for the last four months.

A hug from his mom.

A way to make the pain go away.

It didn't really work, but Esme had always been a source of strength for all of us. She was the mother everyone wished they could have and the Cullens knew they were blessed with.

"Yes." My jaw dropped as he looked me in the eye, his conviction clear.

I shook my head and stepped away from him. I couldn't be near him right now. How could he accuse his own brother of lying about something like this?

I turned around as I heard the door leading outside open and saw that Edward had disappeared. No doubt he wanted to be on his own at the moment.

I noticed that Emmett had disappeared too, but with the way he was acting at the moment, I really didn't want to be anywhere near him.

Making my way into the kitchen, I sat on one of the stools, thinking about how Edward had been over the last few months and how none of us had noticed.

"How did we not see?" I turned to see Carlisle standing there, looking like half the man he usually was. "How did _I_ not see?"

"He's a good actor." I whispered softly and he shook his head, running a hand through his hair.

"No." He looked at me, his eyes showing the pain he was experiencing at learning that his youngest son had been raped and he had had no idea. "I should have seen. I should have _known_ something wasn't right with him. I should have looked into the injuries he had when he came back from Port Angeles. I should have _noticed_." He was blaming himself entirely and that wasn't the case. The only one who couldn't really be blamed for how we were when Edward came back from Port Angeles was Bella, because she hadn't been here. She had been in Jacksonville at the time so had no clue what was going on.

"No, Carlisle." I shook my head, sliding off my stool and approaching him, wondering if I'd be able to embrace him like I had Edward. "It's not your fault."

"I still should have seen. I should have known." He sighed, closing his eyes as tears ran down his cheeks. "I _know_ the signs, physical and behavioural. But somehow I missed it."

We stood there in silence as he shed more tears for his child and his suffering. But I had a feeling tears weren't going to be enough.

Not nearly enough.

_**Edward**_

I had known for a while – well, since I got back from Port Angeles – that I should have told my family what happened to me. I should have let them know as soon as I could have.

I knew that telling them was going to hurt. There was a good chance of tears and pain occurring and that was what I got.

Sitting there, uttering those three words to my parents and I felt my world collapse around me. My mom had let out the most painful sound I had ever heard from anyone, ever and I hated myself for causing her that pain.

The pain and tears I had been keeping to myself for the last four months came pouring out as I clutched onto my mother, revelling in her warmth and the security of her touch. I needed her more than I needed anything right now. My dad hadn't said anything, but I could hear his sobs from somewhere across the room.

I know asking Rosalie to let the others know what had happened was cowardly of me, but I could hardly get it out for my parents, let alone anyone else. I didn't know what I was expecting from them. But I wasn't expecting to be brandished a liar.

Emmett had thrown the whole thing back in my face and that had hurt more than the insults and snide comments over the past few months. Because now . . . now he knew the truth, whether he wanted to accept it as such or not was up to him, but he knew. He knew the truth now.

I couldn't stay in the house with him. With them. I couldn't handle the looks of pity from the others, the fear and worry from my parents and the anger from Emmett. The only one I could stand to be around at the moment was Rose. Because she didn't pity me. She understood. Even though what she had been through wasn't anything like my own ordeal, she knew the fear that ran through your veins. She knew the hopeless feeling that crippled you. She knew.

I ran out of the door and across the garden, into the woods that encased our land, not caring that I had no shoes on. The cold October air didn't register with me until I stopped, slumping to my knees as the lack of energy my body held caught up with me. I leaned against the trunk of a tree, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs. I rested my forehead on my knees and let out the sob that had been waiting to surface bubble up and escape.

Once the first sob had been let out, I couldn't hold any of them back. I didn't bother trying to stop the tears that started streaming down my face. I didn't wipe them away as I heard someone approaching behind me, stopping when they came up next to me.

"What the hell is going on with you, Edward?" It was Emmett. His voice was a low growl and I couldn't help but flinch away from him slightly. Emmett was big and even though I was his brother, I knew he wouldn't have any qualms about using his fists against me. "Well?"

"I thought you'd figured it out." I whispered, resting my cheek on my crossed arms and closing my eyes, facing away from him. I heard him sigh and didn't really know what to make of it. Who knew what was going through Emmett's mind right now.

"Right." He chuckled darkly, much like Rose had a few hours ago when I'd gone to her room to see if she was okay. It still amazed me how alike the two of them were, even though we'd all grown up together. "Come on, Edward . . ."

"What?" I glanced up at him to see that he wasn't even looking at me.

"It's clear you've got the rest of them wrapped around your little finger with this sob story, but isn't it convenient that the day after someone attacks Rose, news about your little 'ordeal' comes to light." His tone was mocking and I knew then that he really didn't believe what had happened to me. "Bit coincidental, don't you think?"

"Whether you want to believe it or not . . . you know what happened." I sighed, closing my eyes. "Everyone does now."

"Bullshit." He spat and I looked up at him to see him glaring down at me. I couldn't look at him, so I closed my eyes, trying to stop myself shaking from the cold. I really should have thought before coming out here. I shuffled away from him as he sat down next to me, his eyes clearly searching my face. "Look, Ed. I just . . ." He sighed, rubbing his hands down his face. "I don't understand why you're saying this."

"Because it's true." I replied, not missing a beat. He didn't believe me? "The week I spent in Port Angeles. That's why I was there. I had meant to be back home for dinner, but when I left the music shop, it was clear that that wasn't going to happen. It was already getting dark, so I knew that I'd have to hurry. I rushed to my car, hoping to get past a group of drunks that were goofing off a few cars up. You know? The whole, if I don't bother them, they won't bother me thing. Not how it worked. They wanted a victim. And I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. They destroyed my phone and the music I'd bought. And then they destroyed me." The last part came out as a whisper. Emmett hadn't moved since I started talking and I couldn't help but think my words were sinking it. "I spent the first night in the hospital in Port Angeles. They knew instantly what had happened to me, they had caused so much damage to my body. They didn't even need to do a rape kit to know. Of course they did, for evidence and shit, but . . . it wasn't necessary for them to know. They had to stitch me back together before they could do anything else."

"Jesus fuck." Emmett sighed next to me and something told me he might just be starting to believe me.

"I had never been so _humiliated_ and scared in my whole life. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know anyone in Port Angeles. I didn't know . . ."

"Why didn't you tell us?" He whispered gently, trying to get closer to me, stopping when I jerked away from him. I hadn't let him, Jasper or my own father touch me in months. I just couldn't do it.

"Could you?" I looked at him for the first time since I started talking and I saw him eyes were brimming with tears. "Could you walk in there and tell the people closest to you that you'd been beaten and raped? Well? You have no idea, Emmett."

"I'm sorry." He whispered, shaking his head slowly. "I'm sorry I didn't . . . didn't believe you. I just . . ." He took a deep breath, dragging his hands slowly down his face before clearing his throat awkwardly, seeming at a loss for things to say. "We're going to help you, you know that, right?"

"And how do you plan on doing that?" My tone was laced with sarcasm I knew he couldn't miss.

"I don't know." He shook his head slowly, looking into the trees that spanned out in front of us. "I don't know, Ed. I guess Mom and Dad will call Charlie and tell him, if they haven't already." I tensed up. Would they really call Charlie without consulting me first? Don't be stupid, of course they would. "You said that they did a rape kit?" He winced at the words and I nodded slowly, still focusing on the idea that my mom and dad could be on the phone to Charlie right now. "I think they keep them for something like six months, while the victim," another wince made an appearance. He was probably realising, as he said the words, that his own little brother now fell into the category of 'victim'. "While they decide whether or not they want to press charges and start an investigation." He looked at me, probably because I hadn't said anything or moved for a while. His brow furrowed slightly, watching me carefully. His hand moved by my side, as though he was going to put his hand on my shoulder, but rethought his movements. He was probably remembering Rose from last night. "Did they tell you any of that at the hospital?" I shook my head and he let out a breath. "Come on. You're freezing. Let's get back inside."

He stood up, holding out his hand to pull me up. I looked at it for a moment before pushing myself up off of the freezing ground. I wasn't ready yet. And even though I saw that it was causing him pain, I couldn't do it.

My mom pounced on me as soon as I put one foot inside the house. She pulled me down to her level, sobbing, her tears making the side of my face wet as well as soaking the shoulder of my shirt.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear?" She ran her fingers through my hair as she held onto me. I closed my eyes, my arms wrapping around her waist as we stood there. She continued to sob into my shoulder as the others made their way into the room. I wasn't sure what was going through their minds, but I was sure as hell glad I wasn't a mind reader at that point in time.

I pulled away from my mom, unlatching myself from her grasp, whispering that I needed to be alone before making my way towards the stairs. I walked slowly to my room not having the energy to rush up there as I normally would have done.

I could feel all eyes on me until I walked up the staircase to my room, which incidentally, was a floor above everyone else. How's that for isolated?

Sitting on my bed, I rested my head against the pillows, letting out a deep breath. I gazed out of the window, where the trees sat ominously as though they weren't really as safe as their placement around the house might have you believe. Of course, this ideal might have come from the fact that within horror movies, a popular setting was in the woods.

A knock on the door pulled me out of my wonderings about the woods and I looked quickly towards the door. Who the hell could that be? Glancing at the lock, I saw that the door was open, so it didn't mean that I had to get up.

"Come in." I called softly, looking out the window again.

The door opened slowly and I couldn't help but look at who was up here. Emmett had been right. My parents had called Charlie. Well, he was the police chief. Who else would they call when they find out that their youngest son had been raped?

"Hey, Edward." He glanced around the room, looking all sorts of uncomfortable standing there. He was on just the other side of the threshold, not in my room, but the intent clear. He was in his police uniform, so I knew instantly that this wasn't a social call. But then again, even if he _hadn't_ been wearing his uniform, it wouldn't have been a social call. Whether he was in uniform or not, he was still the Chief of Police. "Can I come in?" I nodded, looking out the window again as he stepped into the room.

Just having him actually _inside_ my room made me feel on edge. I hadn't let myself remain alone in the room with anyone . . . well, _male_ in four months. I couldn't help but feel unsafe.

He walked over to my desk, grabbing the chair that sat there and placing it next to where I was sitting on the bed. I'd noticed that he'd left the door open. He's probably been told what had happened by my parents and had realised that closing the door would most like make me feel trapped and less responsive to what he wanted to find out.

"You know . . . your mom and dad are real worried about you." His tone was calm and understanding, even though I knew he didn't understand at all. Who knew how many times he'd been through this? Even in a place as small as Forks, there were bastards living on every street. What people knew was what was happening on the surface. They knew nothing about the filthy underbelly of the society they lived in. "What happened?"

I let out a soft snort at his question. "They didn't tell you?" I practically scoffed, not looking at him, but instead focusing back on the trees outside my window.

"Yeah, they did." He sighed, sounding completely lost. Well, it wasn't everyday you got this kind of news about your best friend's youngest, did you? "But, I need to hear it from you."

"Why?" I shook my head, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming. "Why do you need to hear it from me?" My voice was nothing more than a whisper as I looked at him. His eyes were filled with an anguish and sadness that I hadn't ever seen before.

"Because, with your say-so, we can gain access to the results of the kit that was performed and hopefully find the bastard who did this to you." He explained calmly, though I could see that through the façade he was trying to maintain, he was cracking. His hand was gripping the knee of his pants so tightly that his knuckles were turning white and his moustache kept twitching every so often. Clear signs that he was pissed or stressed.

"It was more than one." I whispered, looking out the window again. I couldn't look at him as I told him this, knowing that it would be hard enough anyway.

"What?" He straightened slightly at my words. I could literally _feel_ him willing me to look at him, but I just couldn't.

"It was more than one." I repeated, my voice not any louder. "There were five of them. And they all contributed to ruining my life."

"It'll only ruin your life if you let it, son." I could hear in Charlie words that he was begging me not to give up. Too late.

"What if it already has?"

He obviously knew it was a rhetorical question because he sighed, looking out of the window. He had his hands clasped in front of him now, twitching every few seconds.

"You know . . . when I got the phone call about Rosalie last night, I couldn't help but think 'thank God that kid was there'." He looked at me again, his eyes glistening slightly. "I knew that narrow escape with Rose was too good to be true. I just hate that you had to suffer for so long on your own. I understand you were probably scared about reporting it, right?" I nodded slowly, closing my eyes. "And you had every right to be." I opened my eyes and watched him carefully, wondering what was going on. "Even if you had managed to get up the strength to tell somebody, there probably wouldn't have been a hell of a lot of people able to help you."

"What do you mean?" Surely people were trained to deal with sexual abuse cases.

"I know what you're thinking." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "That there's training in place." I nodded, as did he. "Yeah, there is. But unfortunately, it tends to focus on male-female abuse and . . ." He took a deep breath, unable to say it in front of me. I closed my eyes again, wanting this all to go away. "There's very little out there for male victims."

"Like me." I whispered and he nodded sadly.

"Edward, we're gonna catch these bastards." His voice was so strong and he sounded so convinced that I almost believed him. "I promise you that, we're going to get them and give them what they deserve."

I nodded slowly, feeling a stray tear I couldn't contain slowly make it's way down my cheek.

"Thank you."

. . . . .

In the days following my revelation, everyone was walking on eggshells around me and I hated it. I think I preferred it when they were all yelling at me and telling me to get my head out of my ass.

I couldn't stand this awkwardness.

Jasper, Emmett and my dad were all wary around me, as they were Rosalie. It seemed that they had now realised what my behaviour regarding the three of them – not approaching or having physical contact with them, and leaving the room whenever I was left alone with any of them – meant. They had put it together in their minds.

My mom insisted that she knew where I was all of the time. It appeared that Rose was receiving the same treatment from her mother, my mom _and_ Renee. I wasn't sure whether the other two knew about what had happened to me, but I wasn't going to bring it up if they didn't.

"Edward?" I looked up as I heard my name called softly and saw my mom and dad standing in the doorway to my bedroom. "How are you, sweetheart?"

"I'm okay." I sighed, putting down the Chemistry book I'd been reading, hoping to absorb something for when I went back to school. My mom and dad had vehemently refused to let me go back to school for the remainder of the week. They said they were worried about me. I just thought they were being overprotective. But I couldn't really blame them, could I?

"Edward." My dad stepped forward slowly, looking slightly torn about what he was going to say. "Your mother and I feel that it's in your best interests if you were to talk to someone about what happened to you."

"What?" I looked between the two of them. "Like a shrink?"

"A therapist, yes." He amended the term I'd used. Who cares what they're called? They're the same thing.

"Why?"

"Because bottling it up isn't the way to deal with something of this magnitude." My dad sighed gently, looking at my mom. She nodded slowly, looking at me with her eyes glistening with unshed tears. "We've made you an initial appointment with a therapist at the hospital for tomorrow afternoon. Please, just try, Edward. You can't deal with this on your own."

I let out a breath, closing my eyes. "Do I have choice?"

"I'm afraid not."

I opened my eyes slowly, taking a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "Okay." I whispered, nodding slowly. "Alright."

"It'll be okay, baby." My walked over to me, wrapping her arms around me and pressing her lips to my temple lightly. "It's all going to be okay."

I couldn't help but wonder how talking about something could make it okay.

. . . . .

The psychiatry wing to the hospital was completely different to the rest of the building. You wouldn't think you were in the same place. Whereas the rest of the hospital was bright, clinical and you could literally taste the disinfectant in the air, this area was painted in pastel colours, with soft chairs surrounding small tables covered in magazines.

My mom and dad had come with me for the first meeting with my shrink . . . oops, sorry _therapist_. I'm pissed about being here, can you tell?

I know they're only looking out for me, but I wished they'd waited for me to make the decision, because I would like to think I would have done sooner or later. What with my secret out in the open now.

They both stood up with me when my name was called. They would be coming in for a few minutes in the beginning while the therapist ran through what would happen with regards to their presence at these sessions. They weren't allowed to sit in on the session, something I was grateful for.

"Dr. Cullen. Mrs. Cullen. Hello." The woman in front of me was tall, with dark hair and a slightly olive skin tone. Her eyes were a deep, dark brown nearly black as she stood there. Her face was friendly, her smile warm as she looked at me. Clearly Carlisle had requested a female psychiatrist. "And you must be Edward." She smiled at me again, showing off her perfectly white, straight teeth.

"Yeah." I nodded, not sure what else to do or say.

"I'm Carmen." She said softly, gesturing for us to sit down.

My parents sat down on the sofa that was on one side of the room. There was enough space in between them for me to sit down, but I didn't go across to them. I could see the disappointment in my mother's eyes, but it was too difficult at the moment.

I made my way over to an extravagant bookcase that was lining one wall and read some of the spines that were in front of me. Most of them were to do with the mind, obviously, but there were some other ones in there as well.

I could feel her watching me as I gazed at the bookshelf, feeling slightly self conscious. I wrapped my arms around myself and she seemed to notice my feeling uncomfortable at her scrutiny because I heard her sitting down and talking to my parents.

"I know you're both aware that this is a onetime thing, and you won't be allowed in on the sessions again, but I wanted you to know what I'm going to be doing with Edward. Just a basic outline of what we'll be working through." She made it sound like we were going to be working on a worksheet, like the ones you got in first grade or something, not my mind. "First, I'm going to be working with Edward to try and get him to come to terms with what happened to him," _like you could do that_, "and help him work up his trust issues a little bit. After that we're going to be focusing on whatever other different issues or problems Edward might feel needs addressing as we go. Now, I know that doesn't explain much, but because he is seventeen, he is still classed as a minor so I have to honour that. Even so, what happens within this room is between Edward and myself. I'm sure you understand. But while I am not allowed to repeat anything that is said – unless given the go ahead from Edward – he himself can tell you anything that goes on."

The two of them nodded, standing up and making their way towards the door. My dad gave me a smile, knowing not to touch me, while my mom wrapped her arms around me, kissing my temple lightly.

"It'll be okay." She whispered softly and I nodded, watching as they walked out the door.

I didn't turn around after the door closed, instead focusing back on the books. Some of them were leather-bound, huge and must have cost an absolute fortune. But then again, with people like my father paying for her advice and help, it didn't surprise me.

"I'm glad you're here, Edward." She said softly from where she was sat at her desk. "And I'm going to tell you straight off, I'm not going to try to twist your arm or control you."

"Okay." I replied quietly, not turning to face her as she sat there.

"Will you sit down?" She asked and I turned to face her. She was watching me with an intense expression on her face. I sighed gently, making my way over to the chair in front of the desk, flopping down into his, my eyes never leaving hers. "I can see you don't want to be here." _You got that right._ "You're probably wondering why people think that talking about something as traumatic as being raped," I winced slightly at the word, "can make it better." She smiled slightly at me. "Now, just then, you demonstrated one of the exact reasons _why_ talking about it can help. You reacted when I said the word 'rape'." It was an involuntary thing for me to do. It wasn't like I could help my body's reaction to the word. "Talking about it – even just hearing the word every so often – can help you to desensitise yourself to the word, so you don't react that way upon hearing it. Make sense?"

I nodded slowly and she smiled at me. "I don't understand how that would help me, though? Wouldn't that just make it easier to lock everything away?"

"Hopefully not." She leaned forward on her elbows, watching me carefully. "What I'm hoping for is that if you can get used to the word itself, you'll be able to express your feelings surrounding what happened."

I didn't see that point in time coming any time soon, so I didn't respond.

"What were your friends like when you told them?" She asked quietly, sitting back in her chair.

"How do you think?" I shot back and she shrugged lightly.

"I don't know." She shook her head, rocking back on her chair lightly. "Everyone reacts differently, depending on how they express their feelings. Some people shout. Some cry. Some bottle it up and express it in other ways. How did they react?"

"I don't know." I sighed, shaking my head. "They were upset, I guess." I looked down at my hands resting on my stomach as I sat there.

"You only guess?" She sat up straighter, resting her head on her hand as she watched me. I nodded slowly and she didn't respond. "What happened when you first got home from Port Angeles?"

"I don't know." I shook my head, trying not to react to her question. That was exactly what she wanted. A reaction. But . . . maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

After all, she was here to 'help' me, right?

"Did you think about telling anyone about being raped?" I knew she was only using the word to try to get me used to it, like she'd said a moment ago, but I couldn't help the reaction. I nodded, slowly. "Who did you want to tell?"

"Anyone." I whispered, taking another deep breath. "Anyone who would listen."

"Did they listen?" She asked, her voice soft and soothing, sensing how difficult this was for me.

"If they had, I wouldn't be here now." I sighed, shaking my head. "I probably would have been here four months ago."

"How did that make you feel?" She asked, setting her pen down on the table next to the open pad in front of her. I glanced at it and saw that she had already taken quite a few notes. Probably writing down things about my behaviour and demeanour for future reference or something. I didn't know how these things worked. "Not having anyone to talk to."

"Alone." I whispered softly. "It made me feel like I didn't have anyone I _could_ talk to. And I felt kind of . . . I don't know how to put it . . . um, betrayed? Is that right word? Like, even though they'd always said 'you can talk to us' and 'we'll always be there for you' it was all a lie. The one time I really needed them, they weren't there. And it hurt. So much."

"Your parents told me that you didn't come home until a week after the attack. That you stayed in a motel in Port Angeles." I nodded, not looking at her. "Why was that?"

I shrugged, shaking my head. "I don't know. I, um . . . I was afraid, I guess."

"What of?"

"Being . . . treated differently, I guess. That people would look at me and just see a . . . a rape . . . victim, instead of seeing _me_, you know?" She nodded slightly, picking up a pen. "Guess that was all for nothing."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because now that's all they're going to see." I replied quickly, looking up at her. "Now that they know, they're not going to see me as a person, they're going to see what happened to me. Ever since they found out, it's like none of them can say what they're really thinking or feeling. It's like everything they do, they think I'm going to break."

"Are you saying you won't?" She looked at me, her face completely blank and serious. I knew it was a legitimate question rather than a rhetorical one and she was expecting me to answer her.

"I don't know." I answered honestly. "But aren't people always saying it's okay to break sometimes? And I don't know . . . it's like . . . some part of me feels I _need_ to break . . . so that I can put myself back together."

"What started happening when you got home?" She asked, effectively ending that line of questioning, whilst writing something down. "When you failed to get a response from the people around you?"

"I guess that's when I started pushing them away." I said softly and she nodded.

"Pushing them away, how?"

"Lashing out at them, not acknowledging them when they were in the house. Just . . . making it so they wouldn't want to be around me anymore. And it worked."

"Were you ever violent towards them?" I looked up at her sharply and saw by her expression that she was completely serious.

"No." I shook my head, looking down at my hands again. "There were times when I'd gotten close, but no . . . I wasn't ever violent towards them."

"What about yourself?" I closed my eyes, anticipating that question. I had wondered if she'd ask me if I had hurt myself at all. "Did you ever purposefully hurt yourself, Edward?"

"I've thought about it." I replied honestly, not looking at her. "I haven't actually followed through though."

She nodded, writing something else down. "You're finding it hard to trust me, aren't you?" She asked, although I was sure she already knew the answer to that one. "I understand why. I mean, I'm a total stranger that you're supposed to share your innermost secrets with, right?" She smiled at me, shaking her head. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. This is all about you. Unless you choose to talk about it to anyone, nothing you say leaves this room. In here, it doesn't matter about what your parents think or want, what your siblings or your friends think. It's all about _you_. How you're feeling and what you're thinking. If you're hurting, this is a safe place for you to get that out. You can say whatever you want to say. Talk about who you want to talk about. If someone's upset you, made you angry, then you can say so and there won't be any repercussions. I know it seems scary right now and you might think that you're bad-mouthing the people you care about and who care about you, but think of this as a kind of safe haven for you, Edward. This room is a place where there are no judgements. It's okay to break in here, because if you _do_, we can work on putting you back together."

"Okay." I whispered, nodding, trying to take in what she'd said.

"No one has to know what happens in here, unless you want them to know." She smiled at me again and I felt a small smile playing on my lips. "Do you find it hard trusting people?"

"I never used to." I breathed, feeling my brow furrowing.

"But you do now." It wasn't a question, because my answer had told her everything she needed to know. "You want to trust people again, don't you?" I nodded slowly, wanting to be able to do that again. I wanted to be able to talk to my brother, sister and friends knowing that whatever I say won't be taken in some adverse way. "I can help you, if you want me to." I nodded again, not wanting but _needing_ her to help me. "You look tired." She observed and I looked up at her, confused. "Do you suffer from nightmares?"

"Yeah." I nodded, looking down at the thick dark brown carpet that covered the floor. I couldn't help but wonder if it was as soft as it looked.

"How often?"

"Every night."

"You losing a lot of sleep?" I nodded again, not really knowing what to say. "Replaying what happened over and over again, huh?"

"Yeah." I bit down on my lip, closing my eyes, trying to will the images out of my head. "I hate it. I hate it and I want it to go away. I can't escape . . . not when I'm awake because I have reminders of what a dick I am to everyone and when I'm asleep it's like it's happening to me all over again."

"Edward," she turned in her chair and stood up. I didn't look at her as she walked around in leaned on the desk in front of me. "I need you to be completely and totally honest with me now, okay?" I nodded slowly, wondering what she was talking about. "Have you ever thought about killing yourself?" I looked up at her slowly, wondering how serious she was about getting an answer to that question. "Remember, unless you want it to, nothing leaves this room."

Remembering that, I closed my eyes and nodded slowly. "Yeah." I whispered softly, feeling the tears that had been threatening to fall the entire time I'd been in here, finally slip free. "I have."

"Okay." She whispered gently. "I think we'll leave it there for now." I looked up at her, slightly confused. "You've done really well today, Edward. I know it seems strange that I'm asking you a question of that magnitude and then ending the session, but I don't want to overwhelm you too much. We've got time to go over everything we spoke about today, okay?" I nodded again, lost for words. "I'm going to call your parents in now, and if it's alright with you, I'm going to let them know what I think. I'm not going to tell them anything that was said, just my personal theories. Is that alright?"

"Yeah." I nodded, knowing that my parents probably deserved to know what was going on, what with all the shit I'd put them through over the last few months and how much they were probably paying for this woman.

She made her way around me and opened the door, calling my parents. They made it into the room faster than I'd even seen them move and was quite impressed with their speed. They were both watching me. Even though I wasn't look at them, I could feel their gazes.

"After talking with Edward, I've come to a few conclusions." She picked up the pad that was sat behind her on the desk, looking at it briefly. "I think it's clear that Edward is depressed," the two of them nodded, looking at me sadly, "but I'm not sure anyone realises how deep into depression he's been allowed to fall. But alongside that, what Edward has told me and what he's been through, it's most likely that he's suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

I hadn't been expecting _that_.

"Now, I'd like to continue seeing Edward twice a week to begin with-"

"He needs to see you that often?" My mom asked, sounding shaken and frail. She didn't look much better as I looked at her, her eyes shining in the dim light of the office.

"I feel that he does, yes." Carmen nodded slowly. "Also, I want to see how we go in therapy to begin with, but there may come a time, where medication is needed." I sucked in a deep breath. "Don't look so worried, Edward." She gave me a warm smile, but I didn't relax. I didn't want to be put on any medication. Everything I'd heard about anti-depressants told me that all they did was make you numb to everything around you. "Medication is nothing to be scared of." _Says you_. "I'm not going to prescribe anything at the moment. And maybe I won't have to. I hope I don't, because I don't like putting patients on medication when therapy will work just as well. But unfortunately, there are some cases that require it."

"And you think I'm one of them." I looked away from her slowly.

"Maybe, maybe not. That's what I want to find out." She smiled at me again. "I won't put you on them if you don't need it." I nodded, trusting her on that one. She didn't seem the type to do that to someone. There were some shrinks out there that just shove you on medication and let you get on with it. Carmen wasn't like that. It was as though she actually cared.

On the drive home it was quiet, both of my parents looking at each other before their eyes flicked to me.

"How did go, honey?" Mom asked quietly when we were about three minutes into the journey. I knew she wanted to know what had been said and what had happened in there. Could I tell her?

'_Unless you choose to talk about it to anyone, nothing you say leaves this room.'_

Carmen's words ran through my mind and I believed her when she said that I didn't have to tell my parents what happened in there. She wouldn't either. She wasn't allowed to.

"Fine." I answered simply, looking out of the window as the trees indicating that we were nearly home passed by. "It was fine."

"Just fine?" I think she was hoping I would crumble and tell her about Carmen's questions and what I thought about Carmen's diagnosis.

"Mhmm." I nodded once, hoping she'd get the message about me not wanting to talk about it. Maybe, maybe not.

Once my dad had parked, I made my way into the house and went straight up to my bedroom. I sat down on my sofa, going over the session in my head. I would be seeing Carmen every Tuesday and Friday at four thirty until she felt it was time for me to go down to one session a week.

There was a light knock on the door and I called for the person on the other side to come in. It was Bella. She eased into the room, looking slightly nervous. I hated that I had done that to her. I never wanted her to be afraid to be alone with me. I wanted nothing more than for her to be as relaxed around me as she was before the whole Port Angeles shit happened.

We might never get back there though.

"How did it go?" She asked quietly, sitting down on the other end of the couch, tucking her legs up underneath her. She looked so natural sitting there. I wanted her to _feel_ comfortable there as well.

"It was okay." I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. "Intense, but okay." She smiled at me, her own silent way of saying she was proud of me for getting help. I neglected to mention that Mom and Dad were practically forcing me to go and see Carmen. I didn't think that would go down very well and things were still sensitive between the two of us. "She says I'm suffering from depression, which I think is a given." Bella nodded slightly, her smile fading. "She also thinks I'm suffering from PTSD."

"Really?" She sounded confused and I nodded. "I guess it's not that surprising. Going through something like that, it's going to have a lasting effect."

"Yeah." I sighed, resting my head on the back of the couch. "I wished it didn't."

She leaned towards me, placing her palm on my cheek and turning my head gently to look at her. "You're going to be fine. It might take some time and it's probably going to hurt at times, but you'll get there. You're strong enough to."

"Thank you, Bella." I whispered and she grinned at me.

"Oh, my dad's downstairs. He wanted to talk to you, your mom and dad about something." She smiled at me before getting up slowly.

I followed her downstairs, making my way into the living room and sitting down next to my mom. She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me to her. The others were in here as well and I was half expecting the adults to tell them to get lost. None of them did.

"We got the results from the rape kit done on Edward back." I felt my mother's flinch at the mention of the rape kit performed when I was in the hospital. I knew that mention of it made it more real to her. "Well, they came back as a match, cross referencing with another kit done just three weeks ago."

"They got someone else?" _Jesus fuck! This is all my fault. If I'd gone to the police then I could have stopped this from happening._

"Yeah, they did." Charlie looked extremely downtrodden about that fact. "I don't know how they managed to do it, but then again, these labs always leave me confused, but they managed to differentiate the same five semen specimens that were present in Edward's results in this one as well. So we know it's the same guys."

"_Five_ specimens?" My mom clutched me tighter to her – though I wasn't sure that was possible – upon hearing that news. Charlie nodded.

He explained to us that even though they had matched up with the kits, the specimens didn't belong to anyone on the database the police held. It was pretty much a dead end. Apparently, neither of us could identify them, because of the fact it was dark when we were attacked.

When Charlie went to leave, I managed to weasel my way out from my mother's grasp and get to him at the door.

"Charlie?" He turned to look at me. "Do you know who it was?"

"I can't tell you his name, Edward." He sighed and I nodded.

"I thought so." I bit my lip, wondering if he would be able to help me with my request. "Would I be able to meet him? I don't know. Talking to someone who went through it as well . . ." I shook my head, looking away from Charlie.

"I can give his mother a call and find out for you." He smiled at me, the only way of really telling was the way his moustache puffed out a little bit.

"Where did it happen?"

"Port Angeles." I took a deep breath, not wanting to ask the next question on my tongue, but unable to stop it.

"Near the music store?" I asked and his brow furrowed. He nodded slowly, probably wondering how the hell I knew that. "That's where I was attacked."

"Maybe that's the key to catching these guys." He muttered and I tilted my head at him, confused. He waved it off and shook his head.

"How come you were informed?" I really needed to check my filter. It seemed I couldn't stop anything from coming out lately.

"Because of you." He said simply and I blinked at him, taken aback by the answer. "If it weren't for you, they probably wouldn't have bothered, the PA police would have tackled it themselves. But because you were the first victim and you live in Forks, they notified me of it." I nodded, understanding.

After he left a kind of morbid feeling took over the house. It was as though the news of the boy who had shared the same fate as me had brought a dark cloud over us.

If only I had gone to the police in the beginning. They could have stopped this from happening.

"Stop it, Edward." Bella's voice sitting close to me, pulled me out of my stupor. "Don't blame yourself."

"But if I'd gone to the police to begin with, no one else would have gotten hurt." I rested my head in my hands as she sighed next to me. She placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently.

"You don't know that." She argued gently, clearly not wanting to upset me any further. "Who knows what would have happened. You couldn't have stopped this from happening."

"But now, someone else has to go through what I did and I . . ." I shook my head, not knowing how to put what I was feeling into words. It was all too much.

"It'll be okay." She whispered in my ear, wrapping her arms around me.

Will it?

. . . . .

Charlie called four days later, saying that the other boy's mother had said it was okay for me to see him. She thought that it might be good for him to talk to someone who's been through it as well, considering none of those close to him knew how to act. I knew that feeling well.

I'd spoken to Carmen about it and she agreed with his mother. She had agreed that meeting with another victim of the men who attacked me might be good for the both of us. It might help me to see that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

No matter how many times people told me that I wasn't responsible, I would always feel that way.

That is what led me to where I was standing right now. Outside his house on the outskirts of Port Angeles. Taking a deep breath, I rang the doorbell, stepping back slightly, my foot bouncing with anxiety.

About a minute passed before the door eased open and I saw a woman with a friendly face standing there. She regarded me for a moment before it seemed to click in her mind who I was and she smiled at me. They had been told by Charlie that I would be coming today, so she didn't seem worried.

"Hi, come on in." She stepped back, opening the door a little wider, allowing me to pass.

Their home was large, not as extravagant as mine, but there weren't many places around here that were. It was painted in light pastel colours, making the space light and open. I recognised the design layout and couldn't help but wonder if Esme had had a hand in decorating this place.

"I'll just go and get him." She said behind me, making me jump slightly. "Sorry. Would you like anything to drink at all?"

I shook my head quickly. "No, I'm fine, thank you."

With another smile she disappeared up the stairs and I was left standing there in the entryway. Part of me wished that I had taken one of the others up on their offer to come with me, but I knew this was something I had to do on my own. I couldn't lean on other people when it came to sorting out my shit and now was as good a time as any to start depending on myself.

She appeared again a moment later but this time she was followed by a boy around the same age to me.

He was taller than she was, probably around 5'11. Not as tall as me, but getting close. He had the same slightly olive skin tone as his mother, but at the moment, it was mottled with bruises and cuts. Signs of the attack he had suffered.

She smiled between the two of us, a sad glint in her eye, obviously knowing the event that bound us together, even if we didn't really want it to.

"You wanna come up?" He asked, gesturing up the staircase.

"Are you sure?" I asked wondering if he would be anything like me when it came to being alone in male company. I just hoped that he was already getting the help he needed.

He nodded, a small smile playing on his lips as he turned around and made his way up the stairs. I slipped my shoes off, placing them alongside the others in the entryway before following him up.

He walked into a room, I guessed was his. It was immaculately tidy and I couldn't help but wonder if he always had it this clean, like I did, or whether he knew he was having company and tidied up a bit.

He sat nervously on the bed, while I opted for the small armchair that was across the room.

"So . . ." I looked over at him, to find that he was staring intently at his hands as I tended to do when in a new situation or talking about something I found uncomfortable. "When did . . . when, um . . ."

"June." I whispered and he let out a breath.

"Whoa." I nodded, closing my eyes, running my hands through my hair. "I'm Ben, by the way."

"Edward."

"You know . . . when they said that the DNA from the . . . you know," I nodded because I _did_ know, "when they said it came back as a match, I thought that it was going to be over. You know, that they'd got a match on the ones that did this to me. But when they said it wasn't a DNA match to the guys that did it, but to a prior test, I was so angry." He let out a long breath, his hands fisting the covers underneath him. "At first I was angry at the cops, because to me, they should have been able to find the bastards that did this to me. I know that's not always the way it works. That some of them never get caught, but, I wanted it to be that one time they do. Just so I could move on, you know?" I nodded slowly, wanting the same thing. "And then . . . I don't know why but . . . I was angry at you." I opened my mouth to say something but he stopped me, shaking his head lightly. "I guess it was because you hadn't gone to the police when it happened to you. But after a while, I realised that it wasn't you I was angry at."

"Who was it?" I asked, my voice barely more than a whisper.

"I don't know." He shook his head, looking lost. "I haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm angry at them. I'm angry at myself. I'm just . . ."

"Angry at everyone." I supplied and he nodded.

"Yeah. I mean, my mom's got me in therapy to try and deal with this shit, but I don't know if it's going to work." He flopped back on his bed, wincing slightly as his back hit the mattress.

"You gotta stay with it." I told him, resting my head in my hands. "I mean, it happened to me months ago and I only found the courage a couple of weeks ago to tell my family. Trust me, in some ways it's hard that they know because they're all walking around on eggshells when I'm around, you treating me as if I'm going to shatter at any moment." He nodded, understanding what I was talking about. "But I would take that over trying to deal with it on my own. Every single time. When it happened to me, I tried telling someone what had happened, but I didn't get a chance to. So I pushed people away. My parents were always disappointed in me. My brother and sister were always angry at me and the people I'd thought were my friends turned on me. I was completely alone and I would take what I have now that they know than what I had when they were in the dark."

"How did you finally get the courage to tell them?" He asked, sitting up and folding his legs up underneath him. I could see that he had a bandage wrapped around his middle where his t-shirt rode up as he moved.

"One of the girls I'm friends with . . . she was attacked and nearly . . ." He nodded sadly knowing where I was going with this. "But thankfully, someone was walking and managed to help her. It was the day after that I went to see her and she figured it. She persuaded me to tell my family."

"Wow." He breathed, shaking his head. "This is a fucked up world."

"You're telling me."

We sat there in silence for a while, neither of us really needing to say anything at all.

It was around seven when I left his house. We had exchanged numbers in case either of us needed someone to talk to. Someone we knew would understand that wasn't being paid a couple hundred bucks an hour to talk to us.

It wasn't until I was driving home that I felt that there might be some semblance of hope for me. Maybe I could get past this. I knew that it would take a lot of work and time, but could I do it?

For everyone I knew, I hoped so.

Only time will tell, I guess.

_**I've decided I will be doing a series of outtakes for BCWYWF. If anyone has any ideas for what you want to see, missing scenes, alternate scenes like this one, let me know and I'll do my best to get them up.**_


	3. Alternate Continued

_**Disclaimer: S Meyer owns. Not me. I just like twisting the characters to my own liking.**_

_**I know it's been absolutely freaking ages since I told you I'd post this. But what with the whole no computer thing - still using my mum's ha! - it was kind of hard to get it up. Apart from the fact this chapter didn't want to go the way I wanted it to no matter how many times I rewrote it. I hope it's worth the wait.**_

_**Edward**_

It had been six months since I had told my family about the attack.

Six months I had started therapy.

And none of it seemed to make any kind of difference.

The sessions with Carmen had started off light enough, trying to get used to how the other operated, was she put it. Mainly I think it was so she could get used to what would set me off.

She had decided about a month into our sessions that therapy wasn't going to be enough to help me. This meant that I would be on medication. I could see that she hated to do it, but it was necessary. She had placed me on an antidepressant called Paroxetine. Apparently, it was also used to help treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well, so at least I wasn't having to take a multitude of tablets every day.

There was one catch to this medication though. Apparently, it would increase the suicidal thoughts Carmen had already feared I was having. Well, she knew that I was having them, due to my admission in the first session we had and she also knew what effects taking this medication would have on me.

Apparently, it was only found in a short term study that the suicidal thoughts were present. I don't think anyone actually thought to ask whether a long term study had been conducted or not.

As was expected, I had been all over the place when it came to my emotions for the first two weeks or so. Maybe it was longer, maybe not, I couldn't really tell. Everyone had been walking on eggshells around me, which would normally piss me the hell off, but in this case, I could understand why.

My parents didn't want me going back to school until the new year and had hired a private tutor for me. Seeing as she didn't want me to feel like a freak show when I went back – which had been inevitable, but there we go – Alice had vehemently told our parents that she would be joining me in the private tutoring.

I told her that it would be fine, but she refused to listen to me or our parents. Emmett was too much of a coward to try and challenge her. I felt my heart melt for my little sister in that moment. She didn't care what others thought of her. All she wanted to do was stick by me and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather stick it out with than my own twin.

She, like the others, had forgiven me for all the things I'd said to them over the months we hadn't been speaking, understanding why I had been so off with them all. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I mean, I knew what I was saying to each of them and I knew the effect it would have on them. Some part of me wanted to accept the responsibility of the words I had spat at each of them on occasion. I didn't want everything to just be swept under the rug. It wasn't fair to any of us to do that but they wouldn't hear of it. Apparently, because I had gone through something so traumatic and painful, I couldn't be blamed for anything said and done since then.

What a fucking joke.

But I could see they weren't going to drop it, so I let it go. Let them think what they want to think.

The meds that Carmen had put me on helped to tone down the anxiety I felt when left in the room with either my father, Jasper or Emmett. I didn't feel the need to bolt so quickly now. There would be times when I would be sat in the room with them and it would start to trickle in, like water slowly seeping through a crack. The force of its impact would increase until it hit me full force and I had to leave the room, or else suffer from a panic attack.

I had had a couple of panic attacks over the last few months, trying to push myself, wanting to be alright around people again. My parents thought that I was pushing myself too hard and had notified Carmen of their fears.

And that leads us to today's session.

"Why _have_ you been testing your boundaries in such harsh ways, Edward?" Her tone was calm and collected, just as it always was. It didn't seem to matter how many times she asked me a question or how often we revisited a subject, she always had that same tone. Most of the time, it was reassuring, letting me know that I wasn't essentially doing anything wrong, but that she was going to try to understand and allow me to do things at my own pace. Unfortunately, there were times when I _wanted_ her to get pissed at me. I _wanted_ her to get angry like other people did. Surely it wasn't natural for someone to be that calm all the time. Sometimes I _wanted_ her to tell what a fucking idiot I had been.

Times like right now.

I had gone one better than the others last night. I had managed to put myself in the hospital.

That hadn't happened before.

For some reason, I had been really determined last night to make it through the rest of the movie we were watching. It had been the six of us downstairs. Bella, Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett and I had all been sat in the living room. I had been slightly uncomfortable with Emmett and Jasper sat so close – well, they weren't even close to me being on the sofas on the other side of the room – but having the girls in the room as well, acting as a sort of buffer between me and them, it had made it bearable.

But then the girls had started to get tired, taking themselves off to bed.

I knew it was stupid and there was only half an hour or so left of the movie and I had seen it before but there was something in me that wanted to prove to myself, and everyone else around, that I could do it. I could last however long in the room on my own with Jasper and Emmett.

That didn't work out so well.

I don't even remember the attack creeping up on me like it normally did. It was as though someone had smashed a giant hole in the dam I had built around myself and an enormous flood of anxiety had engulfed me.

The next thing I realised was being in the hospital this morning, monitors beeping and my mother sitting tiredly at the side of my bed. Alice, Rose and Bella were all spread out across the room, my father, Jazz and Em nowhere to be seen. They obviously knew what it was that had set me off last night, not wanting to risk a repeat.

I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"Edward?" I looked up at her, not really registering her words. "Why have you been pushing yourself so much?"

I shook my head, taking a deep breath. "I just want . . . I want to be able to . . . function properly . . . I guess is the right way to put it." She nodded, indicating she wanted me to carry on. I let out a breath, staring out the window behind her for a moment. She knew to let me proceed at my own pace, or else I couldn't get the words out. It was as though something inside me just froze making me physically unable to push the words past my lips. I didn't know what it was but Carmen told me it was a side effect of the anxiety I felt at the situation. "I guess I just want to know that someday I'll be able to be . . . normal again, you know?"

"What do you mean by normal?" She asked, her eyes watching my reaction.

"Not freaking out when I'm left in the room with other guys. My _family_." I closed my eyes, willing the stinging behind my lids to cease. Even though in this room, everything was private and unless I said something or gave permission for Carmen to release information, it stayed that way, I still felt pathetic if I broke down in front of her.

Thinking back on my words from my first session, it seemed kind of ironic now.

"_Some part of me feels I _need _to break . . . so that I can put myself back together."_

Well, I'd broken. I'd done that pretty well actually. Now I just had some issues putting myself back together.

"Do you think that's still affecting you?" She asked and I wondered where the hell she'd been all session.

"What do you think?" I shot back, glaring at her. She responded with nothing more than a levelled stare of her own. She knew what I could be like in a session, knowing that I could lash out – which I hated – and in accordance, she knew how to respond. Or not, as it were. I hated knowing that I could be so angry all the time and that she had to bear the brunt of it.

She had explained it to me after I had gone off on a pretty long rant about three weeks after she had put me on the meds. My body had still been adjusting at that point, so I was pretty much all over the place. She had explained to me that because I hadn't been able to express any feelings at home, in the environment where most vented to those whom would listen or where they were able to be themselves, coming into Carmen's office, a safe place to do something like that, I was able to let everything out.

It didn't matter how much she said it was what she was here for, it still bothered me that she was the one on the end of my foul moods.

I sighed, running my hands through my hair and resting my elbows on my knees. I toyed with the plastic hospital band that was still around my wrist. I wasn't allowed to take it off yet, considering I hadn't actually been discharged officially. I had been allowed off the ward to come and see Carmen for an emergency session but straight afterward I had to return to my room and wait for a doctor to come and check me over.

Why couldn't they have just discharged me and then sent me here?

Where was the sense in this set up?

"I want to be able to sit down and talk to my father, my brother and my friend without having a meltdown two minutes in. I don't want to be the one sitting there at the dinner table, counting down the seconds until I can leave so I can get away from all the males in the room. I want to be able to join in when they're messing around. It's like . . . when they were playing a game of football on Thanksgiving, I couldn't join in. It didn't matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't. All it did was serve to remind me of how much of a freak I am."

By the time I had finished speaking, I had tears rolling down my cheeks and Carmen's calculated stare and vanished to reveal a look of sympathy.

"It just doesn't feel like any of this is working." I whispered and she sighed, resting her pen on her pad in front of her.

"You know what you need to do?" I shook my head and she pulled out a small notepad, standing up and walking around her desk and handing it to me. "Over the next couple of weeks, I want you to write down all the things about the different men that come and go in your home that bother you. Not even that bother you. Just different things about them. How they are around you, each other, their girlfriends or in your father's case, your mother."

"Why?" This was confusing as I looked between her and the notepad in my hand.

"I'll explain in a few weeks time." She gave me a sly smile and I wondered what she had up her sleeve. "Did you want to tell me about what happened last night?"

"I don't even know what happened last night." I sighed and she nodded once, silently willing me to go on. "We were all sat there watching a movie when the girls said that they were getting tired and went to bed. I just . . . wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. That I was able to sit through the last twenty minutes or so of a goddamn movie without freaking. And I couldn't do it. Even that was beyond me."

"Edward," she looked down at the floor, crossing her arms across her chest before looking up at me again. "We've discussed where these issues are coming from. The attack and the rape have had a distinct effect on your mindset and even though you _want_ to be comfortable with the other men in your life at the moment, you've still got a long way to go."

"I know," I nodded, feeling ashamed of my actions and how I was affecting everyone else. "I just . . . I feel so . . . I don't know!" I ran my hands through my hair, letting out a breath and settling back in my chair. "My dad had to write a letter to the school to let me replace gym class with a study period. I don't know what he told them – I know it wasn't the truth or everyone would know by now." She nodded, knowing how small towns were for gossip. "But it was just . . . knowing the actual reason for him having to do that, it just makes me feel so . . . pathetic."

"You're not pathetic, Edward." She stood in front of me, settling so that she was almost kneeling in front of me. She was close enough to get her point across, yet a safe distance. Well, what I deemed a safe distance, anyway. "You're a seventeen year old boy trying to deal with extreme trauma. There is nothing in that scenario that is pathetic. You need to accept that. Because if you don't, no one else will."

I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly through my nose. "I know." I _did_ know. I just didn't know if I could accept what she was telling me.

Sessions with Carmen were getting harder to cope with and everyone seemed to be realising that. She was moving on from the basic, how does this affect me and how I function and how I interacted with those around me. She didn't really want to linger on those I was with most of the time, seeing as I didn't really know how they were thinking and feeling at any given time. She wanted to talk about the night of the attack. I hadn't been able to get through that with anyone. The only one who knew the entire story from my lips was Charlie, purely because he needed it for a statement.

Apparently, my statement matched almost identically to Ben's. He had been walking down the street towards his car when they had attacked him. They had beaten him and then brutally raped him like they had me. He had told me himself that there had been five of them and they had each 'had their turn' as they'd put it. I remembered that terminology being used. But there was one thing that put Charlie on edge and made him certain it was the same guys.

In Ben's statement, he'd said that they'd made references to a 'rich boy'.

They'd called _me_ 'rich boy'.

Ben had almost had a meltdown when I'd told him as much.

He seemed to be doing a lot better than I was when it came to getting through what he'd experienced. When I'd brought that up with Carmen, she'd told me that everyone had different ways of dealing with trauma and he hadn't had as long as I had to dwell on what happened to him on his own. He'd had a few hours at the most.

I'd had four months.

Even though, in the grand scheme of life, that wasn't a large period of time, Carmen had told me that it could mean everything to someone that had become a victim of rape.

In no uncertain terms, she had stated that it could be the difference between life and death.

Meaning that there was a high chance I could have killed myself by now.

Well _that_ was comforting.

After I finished my session with Carmen, which – as usual – left me feeling like someone had rubbed me raw from the inside out with sandpaper, I was discharged from the hospital. The doctors had wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to intentionally harm myself before letting me go. Carmen's assurance put them at ease and before I knew it I was being wheeled out of the hospital by my mother.

Why the hell did they have to do that?

I could walk just fine.

Getting home, I was surprised to see Charlie's cruiser sat in the driveway. He wasn't in it, meaning that Emmett and Jasper must have been in the house. The girls were all with me and Dad was at the hospital.

What was going on?

My mind immediately flicked to the worst case scenario and he was here to tell me they had gotten someone else. They couldn't have, could they?

Well, it was possible.

They had managed to get me and Ben, hadn't they?

Who's to say they wouldn't attack someone else?

Charlie, Emmett and Jasper were all sat in the living room as we walked in the door. They looked up as I walked in, all standing up quickly. Charlie looked at Bella, who was firmly planted by my side. Alice and Rose immediately went to Emmett and Jasper and to my surprised my dad walked down the stairs, a worried and anxious look on his face. Bella grasped my hand, feeling the tension that had begun to creep through my body rolling off me. She looked up at me, a small smile on her face, yet it did little to assuage my fears.

"Edward," Charlie sighed, looking me over. Had they told him what happened last night? "There's something you need to hear."

"They got someone else, didn't they?" I asked before I even had a chance to check my mental filter.

"No." He shook his head, motioning for me to sit down in front of him. I did so and he reclaimed his seat on the sofa. My mother and father walked up behind me, my mom's hands coming to rest on my shoulders as my dad wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her to him. "They didn't. We got them."

"What?" The breath that escaped me was nothing more than that. _They got them? _"How?"

"I told the PA police what you said about you and Ben both being attacked outside the music store and they matched up the two statements." He shook his head, letting out a single laugh. "You would have thought that for something this serious, they would have got their asses in gear a long time ago, huh?" You would have thought so. "Well, they finally started to watch the music store and caught the five guys hanging around there. They arrested them for being drunk and disorderly, but managed to get a DNA sample. How, I don't know. Normally, it's not precedent for that kind of charge, but it worked in our favour. The samples collected two nights ago were a match to the kits performed on you and Ben."

"What'll happen now?" Bella asked in a small voice. I jumped slightly, having forgotten the others were in the room.

"Well, four of them are pleading guilty to the charges brought against them." He looked up at me and it clicked they weren't being charged for actually raping Ben and myself. Just assault. "They're being charged with assault and rape, Edward. They're going to get what they deserve."

"They deserve to burn in Hell." Emmett snarled and we all turned to face him. "They do. Because of them, my brother has had to deal with this shit on his own for months, now he's being fed medication that's likely to make him want to kill himself, he's been in therapy for months and who knows how it's really going to affect him for the rest of his life. And the same goes for Ben."

"Wait," I held up a hand, silencing Emmett. "What did you mean 'four of them'?" What did that mean?

"The other guy, which seems to be the leader of this little group, is pleading not guilty." He sighed, shaking his head sadly. "He's stating that he didn't do anything unlawful and is keeping quiet about anything other than that."

"What does that mean?" I didn't want to know the answer to that question, but I had to ask.

"It means that it'll probably go to court." He looked at me, his brown eyes sad. "I'm sorry, Edward."

"Wh-what?" I felt the panic welling up inside me. This couldn't go to court. It . . . it just couldn't.

"How high is the chance that it'll get that far?" Carlisle moved over to Charlie, watching me as I sagged, collapsing onto the sofa. "Charlie, we can't let this get to court."

"I don't know what's going to happen, Carlisle." He shrugged, letting out a sigh. "Because he's pleading 'not guilty', there's really no way to tell how far it'll go. This isn't the area I deal in. All I do is catch the guys."

"Will . . . will Edward have to . . ." My mom couldn't even finish the sentence before she wrapped herself around my father.

"I don't know, Esme." He shook his head, giving me a sad look before telling us that he had to get back to work.

He had a knack for creating a tense atmosphere when he dropped round.

"I, um . . . I need a minute." I whispered, softly making my way upstairs. I pulled out my phone, scrolling through my contacts before hitting Ben's number. I held it up to my ear, hearing the connecting tone.

"He, Edward." I heard him answer, his tone weary. "I'm guessing you heard."

"Yeah," I sighed, flopping down on my bed. "Like, five minutes ago. Apparently one of them is pleading not guilty."

"I know." I could practically hear him doing the same thing I was, flopping down on his bed and running his hands through his hair. "I don't want to know what that means."

"Neither do I." I shook my head, sitting up and swinging my legs over the edge of my bed. "Charlie hinted that it might go to court. I don't want to think about having to go up there and testify."

"You think it'll get that far?" He sounded slightly shaken at the thought and I couldn't deny that I wasn't feeling the same way.

"Jesus fuck, I hope not."

We chatted for a bit, not broaching the subject we knew bound us together. Neither of us wanted to admit that we were shit scared of what could be happening some time very soon. Neither of us wanted to talk about the fact that we might have to relive the worst and most traumatic night of both of our lives in front of a room full of strangers. Having to face the one that had stripped the both of us of our dignity and innocence.

I couldn't do it.

I knew that now and we had no idea what was going to happen.

I knew I couldn't face him again.

Especially when there was going to be someone defending him.

. . . . .

It was the sixteenth of June and I was trying to prepare myself for what would be happening tomorrow.

All of our fears had been confirmed when we had been told that due to the plea the guy – I refused to acknowledge what his name was – had submitted. We had to go to court and there was nothing I could do about it.

I had been told that if there was any way that we were going to have this guy put away where he belonged Ben and I had no choice but to testify against him. There were – thankfully – no others that they had attacked, so Ben and I had to do what we had both been having nightmares about since we heard the news.

I couldn't sleep and I knew I wouldn't be getting any anytime soon.

"Hey, son." I turned to see my dad standing at the bottom of the stairs. He walked into the living room, sitting down on the chair that was facing the sofa I was sitting on. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep." I sighed, resting my elbows on my knees and dropping my head into my hands. "I don't think I can do this."

"I know it's going to be hard for you and for Ben, but you have to be strong." I looked up at him and saw that he wished he could comfort me in some way. I knew it was hurting him to have to stay so far away from me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I still wasn't comfortable around him, Charlie, Jasper or Emmett. I couldn't get my body to cooperate with the knowledge that they wouldn't hurt me.

I wished I could function properly sometime soon.

But then again, I'd been wishing for that since I'd come back from Port Angeles.

"I just . . . I don't know if I can get up there and do it. I mean, you and mom have told me that the lawyer he's got is ruthless and I can't do that. I don't know if I can do that, Dad." He shuffled closer on the chair he had sat down on. I could see that he wanted to come and ease me through it, but he knew I couldn't handle it. It made me sound weak and pathetic, but I couldn't help it. I _couldn't_ handle it.

"You need to take your mind off of it." I raised an eyebrow, wondering how the hell he was going to do that. "You know, you were the first one to laugh out of you and Alice." I shook my head. I didn't know that. I had always figured that Alice had been the one to cross that particular bridge first, considering her excitable nature. "You were. And it was the most unconventional thing that made you laugh."

"Do I want to hear this?" I shook my head, running my hands down my face, laughing dryly.

"Probably not." He laughed, his eyes lighting up at the memory.

"But you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?" He nodded and I moaned, leaning back on the sofa. "Go ahead. I'm just glad that I'm the only one who's going to hear this."

"Well, your mother knows, obviously." I nodded and he laughed. "It was actually her that discovered how to make you laugh." I raised an eyebrow at him, wondering if he was actually going to tell me what got him laughing. "I walked into the house after a long day at the hospital wanting nothing more than to relax when I heard you laughing and your mother singing to you. Even when I was at the bottom of the stairs I could hear it so clearly and it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. Nothing can really beat hearing your baby laughing for the first time. There's nothing like it. Anyway, I walk into the nursery to hear you laughing your little heart out and your mother standing there rapping 'Baby Got Back'."

"What?" I let the laughter bubble out of me at his admission. He sat there, laughing at the memory. I laughed at the image that story conjured up. "What about Alice?"

"Laying there, looking at your mother like she was an idiot."

"The same look she gives Emmett?"

"The very same."

We both sat there laughing for a few minutes before I looked up at my dad again. "Thanks, Dad. I needed that."

"Happy to help." He stood up, walking past the sofa. "Get some sleep. You're going to need at your energy for tomorrow."

I nodded, sighing gently before standing up and following him up the stairs. He smiled at me again before I turned and walked up to my room on the third floor.

. . . . .

I couldn't help but wonder if it was planned or purely ironic and coincidental that the first day of court happened to fall on the day I had been attacked, one year on.

Of course they'd know the date from the rape kit the hospital had performed.

Could the defence have planned it that way?

Was that even possible?

Maybe they were planning on having me completely breaking down when I was on the stand and then having my testimony classed as disallowed.

Maybe they were hoping for that.

"Are you okay?" I looked up to see Bella standing in my doorway, watching me closely.

"I don't know." I shook my head, looking out of my window over the trees that surrounded the house. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

"God, I hate this." She snapped, walking over to me. I looked up at her, wondering what the hell was going through her mind at the moment. I could never tell. "You shouldn't have to go through all of this. Neither should Ben. This guy has ruined your life enough, he shouldn't have any more chances to do so."

"It's been a year." I whispered and she looked at me, confused. "A year today."

"Holy shit." Her arms wrapped around me, her lips in my hair. "This is so fucked up."

"You got that right." I nodded and she inhaled deeply, her lips and nose still pressed into my hair. Was she sniffing me? That was a bit weird. Maybe she was just taking a breath to steady herself, like I had been doing all goddamn day. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can." She said softly, her tone stern, believing what she was saying. "You can do this. You're strong enough. You're the only one I know to be strong enough to go through with this. We're all going to be there. We're going to be there, supporting you, every step of the way."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that." I whispered honestly, feeling her forehead resting on my shoulder.

"You _can_ do this." Her words didn't bring me much comfort and I didn't know how I felt about my family being there, listening to me having to tell strangers about what happened to me that night.

We had been advised by the prosecution that there was a high chance I would be required to take the stand at some point soon. I didn't know whether it would be just the opening arguments today or whether testimonies would be taken and witnesses – which didn't consist of more than Ben, me and those that had witnessed how it had affected the two of us. Considering there wasn't anyone that witnessed what actually happened, that was all we could offer the prosecution.

Arriving at the courthouse, I was alarmed to see there were reporters and photographers waiting outside. I turned to look at my parents, alarmed, finding they looked outraged. It seemed there was a back way into the courthouse and my dad drove us round there.

"What the hell is all that outside?" He seethed, walking up to Marcus, the lawyer representing the state. "What the hell is going on with the circus out there?"

"I don't know how they got wind of what's going on." He looked at us all apologetically, looking slightly frazzled. "I wasn't aware that this had even been leaked until I arrived this morning."

"Why are they here?" I asked, stepping around my father. "What are they doing here? This doesn't concern anyone out there."

"They're just out itching for a story." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "This is essentially a double rape case. In a place like this, or any place for that matter, it's big news."

"Is there any way to get rid of them?" My dad asked, moving back in front of me, as though trying to shield me from Marcus.

"I'm afraid not." He shook his head, glancing at the door as someone walked through, bringing the yells and the flashes of the reporters with them. They didn't seem to be allowed in the building, waiting outside to pounce on anyone careless enough to walk through.

We all stopped, seeing that it was the defence attorney, Stefan Microné that had walked through the door. He approached us, a smirk playing on his thin lips. He was a man that reminded me of a ferret in his features. He didn't strike me as a man that had known much love throughout his life, not that he deserved it. It was his job to try and get vermin and monsters out of jail which was exactly where they belonged.

"Ah, Edward." He approached me and my dad – pushing the fact that I had issues with male contact out of the way for now – wrapped his arm in front of me, pulling me back slightly and stepping in front of me. The contact was fleeting but it was enough to make me jerk away from him. "Hm, still jumpy I see." The smirk on his face told me all I needed to know. He was going to try to play that to his advantage.

"At the hands of your _client_." I couldn't help but step away from my dad upon hearing the venom in his voice. "I will never understand people like you."

He turned around, taking my arm and leading our group away from the man who was managing to smirk and sneer at us at the same time.

"Dad?" I pulled my arm slightly, needing to get away from his grip. I felt my muscles locking up in the familiar panic that threatened to overpower me. My limbs starting shaking without my consent or knowledge of how to prevent it from happening. "Dad!"

He looked at me, his features softening slightly, his brow furrowing as I looked at him, panicked. I tried pulling my arm away from him again and he looked down at his hand, suddenly letting go, his features panicked. As I stepped away from him.

"I'm so sorry, Edward." He didn't step towards me as I leaned against the wall. "I didn't realise . . . I'm so sorry, son."

"Give me a minute." I held up a hand, stopping any of them from approaching me. "I'll be okay, just give me a minute."

"I'm so sorry, Edward." He whispered, stepping as close to me as he knew I could cope with. "I just didn't want you anywhere near him." I nodded, understanding what he was telling me. He didn't want me to come into contact with someone that was defending one of the men that had ruined my life.

"I know." I nodded, letting out a breath and running a hand through my hair. I _didn't_ want to know. I didn't want to be here. Who knew what was going to happen in that courtroom today? "When do we . . . when do we go in?"

"In about ten minutes." He was watching me, checking for any signs of distress. Hell, I was _full_ of distress. It should have been easy to spot. "Are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to. We can leave right now if you want to."

"Dad," I sighed, looking him straight in the eye. "I _have_ to do this. We both know that. If I don't then who knows what could happen. It's only really Ben and I that can put him away. They need us to be able to do that."

He nodded, not happy with my answer but accepting it as it was. He knew that he couldn't get me to change my mind. I _had_ to do this. If I didn't, he could be released and free to attack someone else. Or he could go after Ben and myself, our families as a way of getting back at the two of us for this whole mess.

We filed into the courtroom, all of us anxious as we sat there. Everyone had come today, and some part of me wished that they hadn't. My mom and dad sat on one side of me, while Ben and his parents sat on the other. He seemed as nervous as I did, shaking slightly as he sat there. He had his eyes clenched shut, his hands fisted into the material of his jeans.

I glanced back, seeing Ben's girlfriend, Angela sitting there, watching him with a worried expression on her face.

"Look behind you," I whispered to him and he slowly opened his eyes, turning in his seat to see her sitting there. He immediately relaxed, as he slowly turned back to face the front of the courtroom. "Whenever things get too tough, picture her face." He nodded, shooting me a grateful smile.

It wasn't too long after that everything else started. We would only be hearing the opening statements from each of the lawyers and a couple of witnesses. Those who had been witness to how Ben and I were after we were attacked and such.

As was normal, the prosecution gave their arguments first, stating that the man whom had initiated the attacks on Ben and myself was nothing more than the lowest form of monster. What Marcus was saying was true. How he had attacked the two of us, on two separate occasions, with no encouraging behaviour from either of us. The way he went about it made me cringe, though. I hated the way he was practically spitting the words as though they might double back and attack him. As we sat there, I couldn't stop the single tear that ran down my cheek as Marcus spoke, urging the jury to see this for what it really was. A double rape. Nothing less.

I opened my eyes as he finished, taking his seat and glanced over at the jury, who were all watching Ben and myself. He had his head down and was shaking slightly, probably trying to keep the memories at bay. They were watching the two of us with mixed expressions. Some were expressions of sympathy and pity. Others were filled with anger – which I hoped was directed somewhere else – and one woman was glaring at him with an expression that reminded me of the saying 'if looks could kill'. I tell you, if they could, she'd be the one standing trial.

As it turned out, the defences opening statement was harder to hear than Marcus's was. He stated that Ben and I were nothing more than two horny boys looking for some fun. He went on to say that it was clear that we had realised how it would look if anyone found out, so we called it in as a rape.

I zoned out, not wanting to listen to anything more that he had to say. It may have been a complete fabrication, but that didn't make it any easier.

After that, the first witness called to speak was Carmen. Apparently, they had tracked her down as my therapist and had found some way to make her talk. She didn't have a choice, but to share what had been said in our sessions.

There were things said that I didn't ever want anyone to know, which was the main reason for not wanting my family and friends there. I wondered if any of them had been placed on the witness list and not mentioned it to me. I wasn't sure why they'd keep it from me, seeing as it would come out sooner or later.

They made her do that whole swearing on the bible thing, which personally, I didn't get. Why swear on the bible? What if you were an atheist? It didn't really mean that much, right? _Alright, Edward, back to the matter at hand._

"Please state your name for the records."

"Carmen Rappore." She looked at me as she sat down. I could see in her eyes that she didn't want to do this. She didn't want to be sitting there, about to spill all of my deepest secrets for everyone to hear. But she didn't have a choice.

"Miss Rappore." Marcus approached Carmen and she gave him a small smile. "You are a therapist, yes?"

"That's correct." She nodded once, glancing at me. "And it's _Dr_. Rappore."

"Excuse me. I'm very sorry." She nodded slightly, indicating he was forgiven for his slip. "And which of these two boys has been placed in your care?" He turned to give the two of us a small smile. We didn't return it.

"Edward Cullen." She sighed, watching me intently.

"The first victim, yes?"

"Yes."

"Were you acquainted with him before he was attacked?" Marcus walked up to where she was seated, standing a mere foot in front of the railings.

"No, I was not." She shook her head, her eyes never leaving mine.

"When did the victim begin seeing you as a therapist?"

"In October." She closed her eyes for a moment. "About eight months ago."

"And what can you tell us about how he was when you first met him?" I could see what Marcus was doing. He was giving Carmen an opening to describe how I'd been.

"He was closed off, nervous, simply put he was scared. I noticed in the family sessions I've held that his fear was heightened, especially around his father, brother and male friends. His behaviour clearly indicated that he was severely depressed and after our first session I recognised that he was also suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." She was skimming over the details and I sent out a silent thanks to her.

"Was there anything that indicated he might have been this way _before_ the date in question in Port Angeles?"

"No." She shook her head, letting out a soft sigh. "His mother and father explained that he had always been very sociable, friendly, getting involved in whatever was going on. A general sixteen year old boy. But after he came back from Port Angeles, they said that he was a completely different person. He would lash out, his language had deteriorated-"

"How so?"

"He began insulting those around him. Cursing, swearing, that sort of thing."

"Had they given any indication that this was the norm for him?"

"No." Another shake of her head. "In fact, they expressed how shocked they were at his behaviour. In our session, they told me that they didn't understand it. He had left a good mannered boy, respectful and kind, yet he had come back rude and offensive. They didn't understand it and didn't know what to do."

"None of them had any idea that he had been attacked?"

"No."

I glanced at Stefan as he sat there, watching Marcus's questioning. I could see that he wanted to object to the direction his questioning was taking, but there was no need at the moment. Marcus hadn't done or said anything out of line so his objection would most likely be dismissed.

"In short, what is your professional diagnosis regarding Edward's experience?"

"I believe that before he left for Port Angeles he was the same as any other sixteen year old. From what his family and friends have all told me he was full of life, fun, a little down sometimes, which is normal for teenagers but otherwise pretty content with the way his life was. He didn't seem to have any problems in school or at home so there was no real worry for him at that point in time." She was going off of what notes she had taken in our sessions. She was right. There hadn't been any problems in school. I was a straight A student, on the basketball team, so I didn't have anything to worry about. At home, other than the odd fight with Emmett or Alice and disagreement with our parents, there was nothing to complain about.

I had been happy.

"But after he came back from Port Angeles, it's clear that something had happened. When he came to me, he was not the carefree teenager that had been described in the later session. He had difficulties with trust, he felt isolated and betrayed by those he cared about." I felt my mom stiffen next to me, hating that she was having to hear this. "And most importantly, to me at least, he was scared. He was afraid of being alone with people he should have been able to trust. His father, his brother, his best friends." She took a breath, closing her eyes before looking down at me from where she sat. "What I know, is that before June 17th of last year, Edward Cullen was a normal, happy teenager but after that day, he was turned into someone that was afraid in his own home. He is now suffering from depression and PTSD. And issues such as those do not appear in an average sixteen year old boy."

"Thank you." Marcus smiled at her. One she did not return. "Nothing further."

Before Marcus had even sat down, Stefan was out of his seat and heading towards Carmen. Whereas Marcus's stance had been friendly, inviting and unthreatening, Stefan's reminded me of that of a lion ready to pounce on his unsuspecting prey.

The only difference was, Carmen had her eye on him and was expecting an attack.

"Dr. Rappore." His tone to my ears was sleazy, smarmy and it was clear he thought the sun shone out of his ass. "How long have you been a therapist?"

"Thirteen years."

"And in those thirteen years, have you seen teenagers such as these before?"

"Too many times." She closed her eyes for a moment before straightening slightly, opening her eyes to keep watch on him.

He nodded once, looking over at my parents and I? What the hell was going through his mind? I couldn't help but feel scared about what angle he was going to throw at Carmen. He wasn't going to try to back her into a corner was he? She was too smart to fall for something like that, right?

"And what was the reasoning behind the majority of the cases you dealt with?"

She hesitated for a moment, unsure if she should answer the question. I was sure it was a confidentiality issue she was having problems with, rather than anything else. She glanced at the judge, who nodded, seeming to understand her reluctance to answer. Surely if no specific cases or names were mentioned, it wasn't breaking the doctor/patient confidentiality, right? "They were often victims of abuse."

"In their own homes?"

"Yes."

"And I'm sure that something like suffering abuse in your own home could cause disorders such as depression and Post Traumatic Stress, am I right?" I didn't like the way he referred to them as 'disorders' and it seemed, neither did Carmen because, even from where I was sat, I saw her eyes harden and her lips formed a tight line.

"I can see perfectly clear where your questions are headed, Mr. Microné and I can assure you, there is _no_ abuse in that boys' home." Her tone was cold and harsh as she glared at Stefan. "I have been counselling abused teenagers and children my entire career and can see abuse in a home from a mile away. There is nothing but love and nurturing in the Cullen household. And don't you _dare_ insinuate otherwise."

He held his hands up, as though he was backing off as he turned and took a few steps in front of the stand before turning and walking back in the opposite direction. Why the hell did they feel the need to do that? Was it some kind of diversionary tactic or something? "I understand that you've become very close to the boy, maybe there is something there but you're just not seeing it?"

"I don't think so." Carmen all but snarled at him. She was pissed and it wasn't something I wanted to hear again.

He questioned her about the differences in my behaviour from what she knew about me before I was attacked and from what she had experienced with me afterwards. She gave exactly the same answers as she had when Marcus had questioned her. He tried getting her from a couple of different angles but her answers never deviated or and she didn't contradict herself once.

She was amazing.

After Stefan had finally muttered 'no more questions' the court was adjourned for the day. I was more than relieved when I realised that I wouldn't have to testify just yet. But that relief didn't last long as I soon realised that because I didn't have to testify just yet, the worry, anxiety and fear I had concerning the questions they would ask could only grow.

My parents said that they were proud of me for going today, that I didn't have to. But in my mind, I did have to go. I had to prove to myself and to everyone else around me that I was strong enough to do this. I was strong enough to face what had happened to me.

I wouldn't let him win.

. . . . . .

The next few days in court passed in the same way. Marcus would meet us just inside the courthouse and Stefan would appear a little while after, smirking as though he had nothing in the world to worry about.

But he did.

From what I could see, he didn't have the backing of the jury that he wanted. He could see that he was losing them.

I had been shocked when they had managed to find the EMT's on call the night I was attacked and managed to get them to agree to take the stand. Or they may have been subpoenaed. I wasn't entirely sure about that. Marcus was revelling in what they were telling him. How they had received the call in about an injured male by the large music store in Port Angeles and how each of them had described finding me and my various injuries. They hadn't been allowed in the room at the same time, for fear of influence, but that wasn't necessary. Their stories were pretty much identical. They had both said that there was no way they would ever forget finding me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

They had managed to survive Stefan's questions as well and he had even had the nerve to ask them if they were certain about the rape aspect. To which the woman, Maggie, had practically spat at him, 'he was barely conscious, sobbing, half naked and bleeding, what the hell do you think?' He hadn't liked that but I had seen a couple of small smirks from the members of the jury.

Marcus really wasn't getting what he wanted out of this case.

They had managed to track down the two EMT's that had answered the call about Ben and they relayed pretty much the same things the previous two had.

Court had been in session for about a week and I was stressing out. I was sat outside, waiting to be called in, unable to actually be in the courtroom at the moment.

Ben was on the stand.

And that meant I was next.

Some part of me wanted to get it over with today but some part of me wanted to hightail it out of there and run as far as I could. I hear Chicago is pretty nice this time of year.

"Honey?" My mom placed a hand on my knee, trying to stop it from bouncing. It didn't work. "It'll be okay. You'll be alright. Did you take your medication?" I nodded, closing my eyes. I had taken the anti-anxiety about an hour ago and normally it would have kicked in by now. Apparently, today was not one of the days where it worked.

"Edward?" I looked over at Carmen, relieved she was here. "Remember what we talked about? You _can_ do this. What did we agree on yesterday?"

I had had a session with Carmen yesterday, organised by my parents as an 'emergency session' because I had been practically climbing the walls, freaking out about having to testify today and we had spent about two hours going over what I was afraid of. "I can do this." I whispered softly and she nodded. "I _have_ to do this."

"You can do this, Edward." My dad said softly from where he was standing a little way away. "We're gonna be right there with you."

"Um . . ." I took a deep breath, hating what I was about to say, but needing it out there anyway. "Could you two . . . _not_ come in. Please." I didn't look at either of them as my mom's fingers clenched slightly around my knee. "It's going to be hard enough as it is and I don't . . . I don't want you to hear . . . what he did to me. Please understand." The last request was nothing more than a whisper but they both heard it. They both nodded slowly, understanding what I was asking of them. I knew that even though they wanted to be there for me, they also didn't want to know what had happened to me in detail.

Before I knew it, Ben had finished, the recess the judge had called was over, I found myself numbly walking towards the witness stand, not really paying attention to anything. All I could focus on was letting my breath in and out slowly so I would not have a panic attack right there in the courtroom.

I vaguely registered the bible being placed in front of me and being asked to raise my hand while putting my other on the book. Then the oath everyone had to take when entering the witness stand. For some reason, one I never understood, they asked me to reiterate my name. Surely they knew who I was seeing as they had called me up here. Maybe it was for official records or something like that.

Thankfully, it was Marcus that walked up to me first. "Hey, Edward."

"Hi," I replied softly, taking a deep breath.

"How you doing?" He asked, clearly concerned for how I really was in this moment.

"Been better." He gave me a small smile before he started asking questions. Thankfully, he started with easy ones like where I was on the night of June 17th 2000 and why I was there. It didn't take long before he had to get into the stuff, this time last year, I was sure I would take to the grave.

"And when you realised what he was going to do, what did you do?" Marcus looked like he didn't really want to know the answer to the question, but he had to ask.

"I tried to get away . . ." I sniffed, trying not to let the tears that were threatening to fall break loose. "But he told the others to hold me down."

"And they did?" I nodded, taking another deep breath, cursing myself as a tear slid down my cheek. I could still hear them laughing and jeering at me as they forced me onto my front, I could still smell the alcohol that seemed to seep out of their very pores, I could still see the way they were each watching what was going on in front of them and not doing anything about it and I could still feel the excruciating pain as he forced his way inside me, feeling as though I was going to split in half at any moment.

Marcus eased me through the rest of his questions and I couldn't hold back the tears. I just let them flow silently down my cheeks as I spoke about the worst night of my life.

Unfortunately, I knew the worst was yet to come as Marcus sat down and Stefan stood up, making his way over to me, a small look of glee on his face. I could see the cogs working in his mind and I didn't want to know what he was concocting in his mind. Other than this clients' testimony, I was the last one up here. I was his last ditch attempt at making the jury see things his way.

"Hello, Edward." He smiled at me, but it wasn't welcoming in any way. It was more of a sneer than a smile but no one other than myself could see it.

"Hello." I replied, my voice hard. I was determined not to let him get to me. Which I would have to admit, was probably going to be easier said than done.

"A moment ago, you told the court that you'd been in the music store for quite a while. How long were you in there exactly?" Huh?

I shrugged, shaking my head. "A couple of hours."

"Why?" What the hell did that have to do with anything?

"I love music. I always used to spend hours in there. I wouldn't realise how long it had been since I walked into the store. I'd forget." I stared straight at him, wondering what he was getting at here.

"Can anyone attest to that?"

"Sure, the owners of the store, Liam and Siobhan. I was always in there."

"What time did you leave the store on that day?"

"It was just starting to get dark, so about nine thirty." I shrugged, wondering what he wanted to know that for. "They didn't close until ten during the summer."

"Was there anyone else in the store with you?" He asked and I had a feeling he was getting to where he wanted to with his questions.

"No." I shook my head, suddenly seeing where this was going. "There was just me and Liam in there when I left."

"So there was no one else that could confirm what time you left the store then?" He raised an eyebrow, his smirk growing.

"I know what time it was." I shot back, narrowing my eyes at him. "I had my cell out, about to call my parents when I noticed them standing there."

"And you did nothing to gain their attention?"

"Unless you call walking down the street towards my car trying to 'gain their attention' then no, I didn't." I replied, feeling myself getting a little more than worked up. "I did nothing to them, yet for some reason, they chose to ruin my life."

"'Ruin your life'? That's a bit drastic, isn't it?" He sounded mocking, as though he knew what I had been through and thought I was overreacting.

"No." I shook my head, wanting to shove it back in his face. "He raped me. Because of what he did, I can't go a day without taking some form of medication, I can't sit down with my family and have a meal without itching to get out of the room and away from all of them purely because they're people and they're there, I can't have a conversation with my father without wanting to bolt or scream at him to get away from me. I can't go to the movies or even go out with my friends because I'm scared. I can hardly even go to school anymore because there are too many people there. I haven't had a full night's sleep in a year because even with the meds and Carmen, I have nightmares that make me physically sick. It takes medication and therapy for me to even get through the day anymore. Tell me, does that sound like a normal teenager?"

By the time I had finished, the tears had started again and I heard a couple of sniffles come from people behind Stefan, who was looking a little shocked at my outburst. Clearly, he hadn't expected me to come out with something like that.

His questions were brutal, not giving me an inch to try and answer them coherently. It was as though he was trying to turn me completely crazy in front of the jury. By the end of it, I was no more than a snivelling mess on the stand as he strode back to his seat.

I made my way out of the courtroom as quickly as possible when they said I could step down and my mom was there instantly as I collapsed into one of the chairs outside the courtroom. She had her arms around me, her fingers running through my hair as I sobbed. She gently rocked back and forth as she comforted me and I was grateful for her being there. I hadn't needed my mom as much as I did then.

"Marcus." My dad mumbled and I heard him walk over to him. I looked up to see him staring at me with a clouded look, as though he was trying to rid himself of the information he had just gathered inside that room. "What the hell happened in there?"

"Edward," he looked at me, remaining where he was, having been warned of my aversion to touch. "I know it doesn't seem like it but this can be a good thing. Him verbally attacking you in the way he did makes him look desperate and will help the case. It's a good thing."

"How?" My sister shot back, tears streaming down her face. "I mean, you heard how he spoke to Edward in there. There was nothing good about that." Alice had been in there? When did that happen?

"Actually, yes there is." He looked between us all, wondering how to proceed, most likely. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but this can benefit us and the case and could take us one step closer to having this guy put away."

"How do you figure?" The words were out of my mouth before I realised I'd wanted to say them.

"Alice?" She sniffed, looking up at him. "How did Edward seem on the stand when Stefan was questioning him?"

"Um . . ." she looked at me, clearly not sure how to answer. I nodded, silently telling her I didn't want her to sugarcoat anything purely to spare my feelings. Stefan surely hadn't. "He seemed small and . . . scared."

"Exactly." Marcus looked at me again. "If your sister saw you that way, then there's a big chance the jury did as well. This is going to sound crass but we want the jury to see Edward as the, scared and alone sixteen year old boy he was when all of this happened."

We sat there for a few minutes, digesting what Marcus had said before he sighed quietly and said that recess was over. I hadn't even acknowledged that people had been coming and going from the courtroom while we had been sat there.

"I don't want to go back in there." I shook my head, shrinking away from the door. "I can't go back in there." I couldn't go in there and hear him tell the jury and the rest of them in there all the lies he and his lawyer had cooked up to set him free.

"Hey," I looked up to see Ben standing there, looking pretty much the way I felt. Beaten. Broken. "You going back in?" I shook my head and he sighed, looking down the corridor. I followed his gaze and saw his mother and father walking towards us.

"Emmett?" My dad said softly, walking over to my brother. "Why don't you kids go to the coffee shop down the street? Try and take your minds off of everything, yeah?" He looked at me and I nodded, not wanting to stay here anymore. I stood up and my mom wrapped her arms around me, whispering that everything was going to be okay. I didn't have it in me to argue with her at this point. I just wanted it over.

We all walked down the street towards the small coffee house on the corner. Ben had come with us, his parents not wanting him to be alone. They wanted to know what the monster that had attacked their son – their words, not mine – had to say for himself, as did mine, but like me, Ben had no intentions of going back into that room. Marcus had said that he felt it was an open and shut case and that the jury would most likely reach a verdict today, so we were going to wait for them to tell us what the outcome was. I couldn't be there in case he was set free.

I don't think I could handle that.

We sat in the coffee shop making small talk for well over three hours before Emmett's iPhone started to beep, signalling an incoming call. "It's Dad." He said softly, answering the call. I tried to pay attention to what Emmett was saying but I couldn't. I looked at Ben to see that he had the same look I probably did in his eyes. Fear.

Alice placed her hand over mine, her fingers gently squeezing and I squeezed back, giving her a small smile. We all looked at Emmett as he hung up the phone, placing it on the table before looking at us.

"Twenty-five years." He said softly. "He got twenty-five years for two counts of assault and two counts of rape."

"He was found guilty?" I breathed and he nodded. I let out a breath and could have cried if I'd had the energy to do so. "He's gone." I whispered and Ben nodded, smiling himself. "He's gone."

"Mom and Dad want us to meet them at Bella Italia." I inhaled quickly, knowing the route we would have to take to get there. Apparently, Emmett had already thought of that because he smiled at me. "We'll take the long way round."

True to his word, we took a different way round to the restaurant and my mom and dad were already waiting for us. Ben had gone and met his parents. They said they were heading straight home seeing as they lived closer than we did. They invited us to join them but my mom and dad declined saying that they needed for this to be a family evening.

I couldn't have agreed more.

For the last year dinner with my family was something I had been afraid of, but sitting here – in a restaurant, with other people, no less – I felt nothing but calm and, dare I say it, happy.

"You okay, Teddy?" Alice asked and I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname she'd given me when we were little. I nodded, smiling at her. "You're just quiet, that's all."

"And that's unusual because . . .?" Emmett smirked and I shook my head, laughing.

"Now, now, you three, behave. Today, although it's been hard, has been a good day." My dad said softly, watching me closely. I nodded because it had. Hopefully, after today, I could finally start to really get over what had happened to me. "Unfortunately, we didn't get to celebrate a very special birthday that happened a few days ago, but it doesn't mean we've forgotten the little twins sat at the table." Alice and I looked at each other, wondering what he was going to pull. "Your mother and I have organized something for the two of you and you'll find out what it is in due time," okay, confused and Alice seemed the same way, "and we have presents for you back at the house."

"Presents?" That was all Alice needed to be ready to leave. "What are we waiting for? Let's go."

We all laughed and I felt more relaxed than I had done in a long time. I couldn't help but laugh at Alice as she practically bounced to the car, getting annoyed with dad as he unlocked the car only to lock it again when she went to open it. I wasn't sure how many times he'd played that game with her, but I knew she would never get the hint.

. . . . . .

"Presents!" I chuckled as I climbed out of the car slowly, annoying Alice no end as Emmett did the same. She had been sat in the middle of the two of us and had been practically vibrating with excitement the entire ride home.

Once she was free of the confines of the car, she ran into the house and waited for mom and dad to enter.

"Alright, considering she's going to explode if you don't let her have it, why don't you give Alice her present first?" I suggested and everyone laughed. Well, except Alice, who scowled at me. I answered her by sticking out my tongue.

"Alice?" She turned to face my mom who was holding out a small box. "Happy Birthday, sweetheart." She opened the box to find an old fashioned key in there. We all knew which room it was for and she turned and made her way down the corridor, looking slightly confused. This door was always locked, or at least had been for the last few months and now we knew why.

I cringed slightly as Alice squealed upon opening the door and turning on the light switch. I glanced inside and grinned at her jumping from thing to thing. She kind of reminded me of the Tasmanian Devil. The room had been turned into a designers dream. There were tables with enough room for anything you could think to put on there, rolls of material of bars hanging from the wall, ribbons, dressmakers dummies and a whole load of other stuff I had no idea what to do with or even call. Apparently, Alice knew what she was doing because she seemed ecstatic with it.

"Edward, sweetheart." I turned away from my hyperactive sister and turned to face my mom. "Your present is up in your room, sweetheart."

Looking once more at Alice, I chuckled, shaking my head before making my way upstairs. Emmett followed me, claiming that whatever they'd got me had to be better than running the risk of being caught up in Alice's fabric.

I opened the door to find a large present in the centre of my room. "Cool." Emmett grinned and I laughed at his enthusiasm. It wasn't even his birthday present and he was excited. He stood just on the other side of the doorway as I made my way into my room. I turned and saw him looking a little uncomfortable standing there.

"Come in, Emmett." He looked at me, probably wondering if I was being serious, stepping over into my room when I nodded.

I knelt down in front of the present and reached up for the large bow on top – no doubt my mom's idea – tugging it gently.

"Wah!" I jumped back as the present moved. I mean, actually freaking moved! And not just because I'd pulled on the bow.

"What?" Emmett looked between me and the present, wondering what the hell was going on.

"It moved." I stated simply and he looked at me as though I'd lost my mind. "I'm serious. It moved."

"Well, open it and then we can find out why." He said as though it was the simplest thing in the world. Kind of was really, don't you think?

I reached up again and yanked on the bow, tearing at the paper around what appeared to be a small cage rather than a box. I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop as I saw what was inside. "Cool!" Emmett was grinning next to me and I couldn't help but smile, myself.

It was a husky puppy. A gorgeous husky puppy. Purebred, no doubt about it. It looked only to be a couple of months at the most.

I moved around to the front of the cage and opened the door. It sat there for a moment, looking at me, probably wondering what the hell I was and what I wanted. After a moment or two I held my hand out and it moved forward slowly, sniffing as it approached me. Clearly pleased with my scent, a long slippery tongue found its way across my hand and I laughed.

"Come here," I encouraged it out of the cage and it came out, cautiously before standing in front of me. I wrapped my arms around it – or should I say, her – and pulled her into my lap. "Oh, you're beautiful, aren't you, girl?" I was answered by her sniffing my ear and sneezing. "Thanks."

"How do you know it's a girl?" Emmett asked, clearly confused.

"The lack of a dick helps to make that distinction, Emmett." I rolled my eyes, chuckling.

"So, you like her, then?" I turned to see my mom and dad standing there, watching us as I played with my new pet.

"Yeah," I grinned down at the puppy as she looked up at me. "Is it right that has blue eyes?"

"Yes, it is." My dad grinned, watching as I stroked the small animal that was trying to climb me. "She's a Siberian Husky and it's a trait that they have blue eyes."

"What are you going to call her?" Emmett asked, laughing as she gave up trying to climb her way up onto my shoulder and flopped against my chest. "She's laid back. Awesome."

"Any ideas on a name?" My mom asked and I thought for a minute as I stroked her gently.

"Molly." I said quietly, looking over at my parents who smiled at me. "What do you think? You like the name Molly?" I asked her and she sneezed again before looking up at me. "I'll take that as a yes."

"Hello, Molly." Emmett clapped his hands together and she scrambled out of my lap and made her way over to him. She was tiny compared to Emmett, but I knew from reading about Huskies that she would be able to overpower him soon enough. "I think she likes the name."

"I think so too." I tapped on the floor gently and she turned, running back towards me before head butting me in the chest. I looked up at my parents and they smiled at me.

"We knew that you were feeling alone, sweetheart, so we figured, instead of pressuring you to talk to someone else, other than Carmen of course, that we'd get you some company that wouldn't talk back. Well, she might have a few opinions of her own, you never know, but she's there for comfort if and when you need it." I looked down at the puppy that now had hold of the sleeve of the jacket I had yet to take off in her mouth, seeming to enjoy the hell out of trying to kill the offensive material and I couldn't help but grin. She was innocence and that was just what I needed.

"Thank you." I said softly, pulling her to me, nuzzling my nose into her fur. Of course she didn't that to be one sided so she decided she was going to sniff my hair as well. It was a bonding moment, okay?

That night, when I went to sleep with Molly curled up next to me, I didn't feel quite so afraid as I normally did. I could only hope things would get better from here.

. . . . . .

"Now, I know you've been to Port Angeles since you were attacked, but have you been back to the music store?" Carmen asked and I looked up at her, wondering what the hell she was playing at?

"You know I haven't." I answered and she nodded once.

"You've come a long way in the last four months, Edward." She said softly and I knew she was being serious when she said something like that. Since the trial, I knew that there was something inside me that was able to let go, in a sense. Sure I had nightmares and avoided crowded places as much as I could but things were getting better.

I could be in a room with my dad, Emmett, Jasper and Charlie without freaking out now. My dad and Emmett could even touch me now. My dad could give me brief hugs before I tensed and started to panic but apparently, it was all progress.

I had even gotten up the courage to ask Bella out on a date and she had said yes. We had been together for about a month now and to me that was the biggest step. After what happened to me, I didn't think that I'd be able trust anyone enough to have a relationship but apparently, medication and therapy could work wonders.

Yes, I was still on the medication. While Carmen had been optimistic about me only being on it for a short while, when she had tried weaning me off them, the anxiety and panic attacks returned full force. After two weeks on the restricted dosage I couldn't take anymore and I practically freaked out on everyone. Not surprisingly, Carmen put me back on them. Since then she didn't think I'd be able to go without taking them for a long time, if ever.

I wasn't happy about having to take pills for the rest of my life but if it meant I could function somewhat normally, I would take them without question.

"But no matter how far you've come, you won't be able to take that final step and let go if you don't do one simple thing." She was being cryptic. I hated it when she was like this.

"What?"

"Go back there."

I looked up at her, shaking my head. "I can't." I whispered and she smiled at me.

"Yes, you can." She sounded so certain. "It doesn't have to be today, tomorrow or even next week but going back there will be one of the biggest challenges you can face. To see the place that changed your life. It might terrify you but you'll soon see that . . . it's just a place. Bricks, mortar, concrete and nothing more. It's not the place you're afraid of. It's the memories and you deal with those every single day, Edward. But . . . there is one important thing to remember. You can't do this for anyone else other than you. Don't do it for me, your parents, your siblings, your friends or even Bella. It has to be for you." I nodded, taking a deep breath. "Will you at least try? You don't have to do it all in one go. Build up to it. Just driving to the next street and sitting in the car for the first try, and then maybe getting out of the car the next time. Don't push yourself. Only go with what you can handle."

I nodded, letting out a slow breath. "Okay." I whispered, still nodding slightly. "I'll try."

"That's all I ask." She smiled and I felt like I might have achieved something today.

Getting home, I barely stepped into the house before Molly was running around my feet. She was now six months old and growing every day. After reading up a lot about Siberian Huskies, I knew that she wouldn't stop growing completely until she was about eighteen months old. And she was gonna be big.

"She's already been fed, so don't let her fool you." My mom smirked and I laughed, knowing Molly's tendencies to push it as far as she could for food. She was like a canine Emmett.

"You been a good girl?" I fussed her for a couple of minutes while she sniffed and licked my ear, just like she did the first day I got her. Apart from she didn't sneeze this time.

"How was therapy?" My mom asked and I let out a breath.

"It was okay." I made my way into the kitchen, Molly on my heels. She didn't leave me alone while I was in the house, following me everywhere. "Carmen thinks that I need to go back to the music store. Where it happened. Finally get over that hurdle."

"What do you think?" She placed the hand towel she had been folding on the island in front of her, watching me intently.

"I don't know." I sighed, sitting down on one of the stools. Molly made a slight grumbling sound as she slid down and lay down next to the stool, looking very elegant even though she was anything but. "I know that it's something I need to do but . . . I don't know if I'm ready."

"Unfortunately, I can't tell you, sweetie." She gave me a sad smile. "That's something you have to work out on your own."

"Lot of help you were." I mock scowled and she laughed, knowing I wasn't being serious. I jumped down off the stool and made my way out of the kitchen. "Come on, Molls." She immediately followed me, racing me up the stairs. She won, as always. There was a definite advantage in having four legs over having two. When I got up there she was lying on my bed, looking smug as always. "Alright, you win. Again."

I sat down at my desk and she moved to sit at my feet as always. Well I say _at_ my feet, when I really mean _on_ my feet. She kept them warm, so that's all that mattered.

"You alright down there?" I asked after about half an hour of trying to write an English assignment I really couldn't be assed to do. "What you wanna do, huh, girl?"

"You talking to your dog again, son?" I turned to see my dad standing in the doorway, grinning at me. Molly immediately went to say hello as he knelt down to fuss her.

"Well, that's why you bought her for me, wasn't it?" I laughed, watching their little greeting turn into a playfight as it always did. "You know, one of these days she's going to bite you, Dad and I'm going to laugh."

"Nah, she won't." He laughed, pushing her away and she ran straight back over to me. "She's just playful, that's all."

That was true. There was nothing really dangerous about Molly. Sure, she was a good deterrent for anyone thinking about trying to rob the place but that was it. If anyone broke in, she'd probably waltz up to them, say hi and then proceed to show them where all the good stuff was. Not really a good guard dog but she's my baby.

"Your mom told me what you said about therapy." I nodded, knowing she would have done. "Are you going to go?"

"I really should, but I don't know if I'm ready." I replied honestly, not wanting to hold anything in anymore. Since the trial, I'd been better about letting people know my feelings. It was as though it had taken a weight off me, allowing me to voice what I needed to rather than keeping everything boxed in.

"Only you can make that choice, son." He smiled at me and I gave him one back. I knew that I was the only one that could make the decision to finally let go. Which was why two days later, I was parking on the street down from the music store in Port Angeles, Molly in the back of the car, trying to get up the courage to get out.

For some reason, having Molly there with me made everything seem a little easier. She would be there for me as a source of comfort and not say anything, not judge me in any way if I chickened out. She was my baby and she was always there for me.

I let out a breath, climbing out of the car before I opened the backdoor, clipping Molly's leash onto her collar before allowing her to get out of the car. One thing I'd learned about Molly was that if you let her out without a leash, she'd run and you had to try and catch her. Not a fun time. Well, it was for her, not so much for me.

I locked the car and made my way down the street, pausing before I rounded the corner. She looked up at me, confused as to why we'd stopped before sitting down and waiting for me. I rubbed behind her ear for a moment or two before steeling myself and taking the last few final steps and coming face to face with the place that had been site where my life had changed forever.

Carmen had been right.

It wasn't as though the place could physically harm me. No, it was the people here who had done that. And they were locked away for a long time. They couldn't hurt me anymore.

As I looked at the music store and then let my eyes travel down towards the alley where I'd had my innocence and dignity ripped painfully from me, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Maybe I wasn't really supposed to feel anything. I walked along the sidewalk with Molly beside me, stopping where they'd first tripped me, the memories rushing through my mind as I stood there, I finally felt like I'd achieved something through the pain, anger, depression and therapy.

I felt like I could let the past go and move forward.

Finally.


End file.
